“Games” – Veronica #18

On the way home from work, I hoped that I’d made the right decision. I knew that sex was NEVER the answer, but I just didn’t know how else to handle him. I tried to be forthright with Miguel, and yet he still always managed to fuck that up. I really wanted my distance from Miguel so that I could “clean house.”
Over the next few weeks I began clearing out my blackberry address book. I considered changing my phone number again, but convinced myself that may be an OD decision. Work was still draining, so I tried to relax as much as possible during the weekend.

One cloudy afternoon I took a trip to Union Square for some Sunday shopping and my phone buzzed. The message read: “Hey V, you were on my mind as usual, I just wanted to check on you.”

Miguel.

I sighed so loud that other customers turned around and stared. I put the phone in my coat pocket and kept it moving. My phone buzzed again, this time it was ringing. If I didn’t answer the text, why call? After leaving the store, I went over to Ricky’s to pick up some hair products. I knew I would have to face him next month for his mother’s twin sister’s holiday party. I tried to find a way out of it, but they all demanded that I come and bring my famous 7-up pound cake. I was stuck and forced to look at him, again.

The next night I met Miguel’s half brother Joey at a lounge/restaurant for dinner. Joey and I had actually become very close over the year so I usually dropped by his house after work on some random occasions. Over dinner we kept the conversation casual, reminiscing about last year’s family reunion and his drama with the three women he was currently dating. He then asked if I was seeing anyone. I explained the drama behind Miguel without saying Miguel’s name or anything that might allude to his brother. Joey gave me a hard stare and asked if I wanted a drink because he needed one. Instead of waiting for my response, he went to the bar and brought back a beer and handed me a glass of white wine. Joey looked at a group of girls passing by and said “You’re talking about Miguel, right?”

Joey stared at me and said “although my brother and I don’t talk much, I still know him very well. Plus I see the way he looks at you. He looks at you the way a man looks at a woman that he loves. The way he catered to you at that party over the summer, the way he sat by you and whispered in your ear…then you two ran off for an hour. Come on Veroniquita, you know I pay attention to shyt like that. You know he’s fucked up in the head, right?”

My mouth fell to the floor. I responded, “I know he has issues with women but like I said, I never asked him to be with me, nor have I even asked him for an explanation as to what our relationship meant. I won’t front like I didn’t have feelings because I did, but I had to let all that go once he started acting weird.”

Joey explained the story of Miguel’s ex Tomiko. Apparently Tomiko and I have way too many similarities. For one, she’s half-black half-Japanese with “fat titties” as Joey would say. She’s also a Scorpio. So not only do we look alike visually, but we have similar personalities. Joey explained that he and his father laughed when Miguel got her name tattooed on his chest, as they both knew that would soon be the end. Joey said “Dad knew the shyt would hit the fan as soon as he got that stupid tattoo. That’s the dumbest shit he ever did in his life, besides thinking that the two of them would be together forever. Mijito lost his mind, literally when they broke up. Miguel had no business fucking around with you because you are out of his league. You don’t bullshit like these birds that he deals with around the way. You did the right thing by letting that assclown go. I hate to call my own little brother that, but it is what it is, tu sabes?”

It would be wrong to say that I was amused, but it was a relief to talk to someone who knew both Miguel and I personally. Had I had this talk sooner, it wouldn’t have changed anything. I would’ve still gone over there for the last nut and ignored his call on Sunday. As I left Joey’s house he told me to come to the party next week, but don’t be surprised if Miguel is in my face again. I nodded in agreeance, but wished that things would be different.

Finally the day of the party arrived. I took the cake to Linda’s house while it was still warm and enjoyed the traditional family birthday dinner. 2 hours had passed and still no sign of Miguel. I took a break from all the noise and called my mom to let her know she was missed at the house and I suddenly heard Miguel’s voice screaming my name. I told her I’d call her back and walked to the dining room to see what was going on. Miguel grabbed me and hugged me, exclaiming “I knew you would come through and bake my favorite cake, I knew it!” I looked at everyone in the room awkwardly when he sat down at his seat. Next to him I noticed an unfamiliar face…….Miguel had brought another date. This shyt aint even funny any more……

Jayde – Pencil Thin – Post #6

Thin, cylindrical and pointed.  This is all I can think about after my weekend with Stanley.  We’ll get back to that later.  Let’s start off with the beginning of our weekend with my family.

Eight in the morning my mother comes banging on my door waking me up.  Stanley and I didn’t make the double date dinner we were supposed to have with my parents Friday night, so we were double dating for breakfast.  It was Saturday morning and all I could think about was sleep.

Stanley kept me up late the night before.  It was a night of pure pleasure.  Just like the song head, head and more head.  I went to bed satisfied and anticipating moving on to a home run, if only I knew what he was packing below.

My grandmother’s party went on without a hitch.  Everyone loved Stanley and kept referring to him as my boyfriend.  I made a public announcement letting everyone know that Stanley and I were friends.

After the party the cousins decided to hit up a club, this began my annoyance with Stanley.  Stanley had been drinking all night with the men and had the urge to pee every five minutes.  When we arrived at club number one we were turned away because he had on tennis shoes, same thing at club number two.

At each stop Stanley had to run around the corner and release himself.  We decided to try the clubs downtown and found out they didn’t have rules on shoes.  While we’re driving around looking for parking spaces Stanley jumps out the car at the red light.  He said he has to pee and he’ll find us.  Of course Stanley’s phone ended up being dead and we had to search the streets for him.  An hour later we find Stanley and we’re headed in the club when he realizes he doesn’t have his wallet.  Stanley and I walk back to the car and retrieve it and once again he had to pee.

Once in the club I got my Blue Long Island Iced Tea and ignored Stanley.  I danced and flirted with other guys because if I spoke to him I would go off.  I have a low level of patience when it comes to men.  Back at the house I rushed to bed and made it a point to ignore Stanley.  He kept trying to touch and cuddle with me and I let him know, not tonight!  I wish I would’ve known not EVER!

Sunday night Stanley and I drove back to my apartment and had some wings and wine.  I had homework to complete and Stanley was supposed to be resting up for his five hour drive in the morning.

Stanley caught me again with that 2 Live Crew, head, head and more head.  After 2 hours of that I was ready to roll over and call it a night, I regret not just ending it with that.  The lights were out so I couldn’t see what Stanley was working with and when he put it in I couldn’t feel it either.

There I sat wondering why he was moving so much and breathing so hard.  All the time Stanley was in and I was laying there with a face of anticipation.  Stanley had a case of the pencil.  It’s a life threatening disease and I am allergic to pencils.  It’s not the big ones the kindergarteners use it’s that slim #2 used for scantrons.  A minute later Stanley was done and I was saved by the minute man syndrome.

How could I deal? *sigh* A case of the pencil and the minute man syndrome…someone kill me now! So much for McSteamy!

I’ve been ignoring Stanley’s phone calls and texts because I don’t want to hurt his pride.  I know I might ask about his pencil and if he has thought about surgery or maybe a pump?

I’m supposed to be in Atlanta with him next Friday for Valentine’s Day.  He bought the plane ticket, made the hotel reservations and mailed me my outfits for the weekend.

I’m hoping somewhere in the hotel he has a pump, an extender or a spare dick lying around. *crosses fingers* So much for Stanley being “NORMAL.”

Corey Post#6: It’s not like horseshoes…

Sidenote: Since my dating fails, I refused to listen to my copious cache of R&B music, mostly because I didn’t want to be reminded about how love has stung me so many times.

Niah had to come from some kind of dream world. Niah and I have the same kind of laid-back personality, quirky sense of humor and concept of how to live life- with as little stress as possible. The thing that blew my mind is how much of an amazingly girly tom boy she was. I swear she dressed like a queen, but she was down to play Halo on the Xbox as much as she wanted to watch a good mushy flick. She wanted as much affection as she wanted aggression on the basketball court, in which she would regularly bust my ass in Horse. This captivating paradox brought me so much happiness that I really could not figure out what to do with myself other than to acquiesce. I mean seriously, would you look a gift horse in the mouth?

We were like Omar and Sanaa...

The only problem Niah and ever had was with the nature of how we communicated with our significant other. She could not stand her ex-husband. She couldn’t even stand hearing his name, to the point where saying her first born son’s name made her sick depending on the day. It was crazy to me because her ex-hubby looked just like every woman’s dream. LL Cool J. Tall, swole, and all the other aesthetic bull that I’m clearly not interested in- And here she is, dating short, skinny, goofy me.

I could never say the same about Cassandra. Even though not romantically linked anymore, we still were friends from our extensive supportive track record while we were in school. Niah couldn’t comprehend how I could be cool with Cassandra, and honestly it was not that easy. Cassandra, knowing that I gave fairly good relationship advice always asked me for some so that she and her boy could do better, and vented to me when they had issues. I had no problem with giving her advice, but it was like taking a shot of 151 every single time. Man that shit burned on the way down. The funny thing is, so much changed as I started dating.

Niah and I went on a lunch date to Panera and as always, had a ball. Other than making googly eyes at each other and red-velvet-caking, we also talked about a few serious things. We finally decided that we were “officially dating.”  I looked at her with a silly looking grin and asked her,

“So you’re prepared to tell LL Cool J that you are dating someone else?”

“Corey, hell yeah. He never gave me that respect to let me know about his business, but you’re worth it. I’m ready, are you?”

“Yeah. Let’s…”

And as I tried to finish my statement, my celly rang. It was Cassandra. I put the phone on silent, but then she called my work cell. Worried it was about Elijah, I picked the phone up. “Hey Cass, what’s up?”

“Corey, I need some quick advice, can you talk?”

“No actually, I’m busy. I’m at lunch right now. Can I hit you in an hour?”

“I just need a quick minute, you always shoot a quick bit of advice my way when you at work lunches.”

“Umm, this isn’t a work lunch. When I call you back, we can talk about it, okay?”

“…um, right…”

“Um, Right” Was the sound of a heartbreaking, and the opening of a door to a new opportunity. Cassandra could hear in my voice that I was finally dating, meant that her security net was gone. She no longer possibly had me as the part of “Eat it too” to her cake, and knew our conversation would decrease.

I was bitten by the strongly like bug, and Niah and I were falling hard. She had her sons during the week, and so we would spend a couple of lunches together, and maybe the occasional breakfast date. It was just wonderful to talk to her about whatever. I could open up to her about whatever, even my dating failures and she was never judgmental. It was even fun to talk to her sons, because it allowed me to dream of how Elijah would be years from now.  And the weekends were just as fun. We would lock ourselves away from it all, making our world my apartment. We would watch movies all day and the evenings were amazing. I could never ask for more. Violent video games, cursing, chick flicks, drinks, candlelight dinners, and passionate, incendiary sex. It drove me wild to paint the house with our acrobatic escapades, and she would demand what she wanted in sweet, subdued Portuguese. I learned a lot about Portugal on those weekends.

She would wake up and speak to her mom on Sunday mornings before we went to church. A biracial army brat, she would hide her conversations about me in her mother’s native Portuguese. I could understand only those words that she may have stated during our sexcapades, but I knew it was good. She was always beaming. And after church, she would kiss me and go to pick up her kids. There couldn’t be any more to love than this, I would always say to myself. And I was motivated and excited to be able to relive the great moments the next weekend. I was falling in L… I was falling in Lo… that four letter word, y’all. Love. I swear it was coming.

I think I'm Falling...

Sidenote: I started to pick up some of my favorites again, Lucy Pearl, Earth Wind and Fire, Jill Scott, and Andre 3000, Prototype…

As she left, my phone rang. My dad was on the other end, and he rarely ever called me.

“Corey, have you looked into grad school?”

“Naw pop,  I figured it would be better for me to wait a year more or so.”

“A year can quickly turn into years, Corey. You need to look into going to school.”

“Who’s gonna take care of Elijah then?”

“If you get into a school in Florida, we will help you.”

My heart sank. I was torn between two opportunities. But as I could not look the gift horse in the mouth with Niah, I could not do the same thing here. I knew my best bet to make a better life for Elijah was to go to school. The toughest thing was telling Niah. I did, and her bright face was replaced with pure disappointment.

“Corey, I can’t leave Houston, and I won’t. My family is here, and my kids need to be close by to their father.”

“I understand. So can we try long distance? I wouldn’t be leaving here for almost a year- give me a try.”

“No. I’m sorry. I think this has officially broken my heart, Corey.”

That was the last I saw and heard from her for a long time. Just the concept of me leaving was completely damaging to anything we had. We didn’t even make it to a relationship.

Why the hell can’t love be like horseshoes or shuffleboard? Where you can get close enough and you win? But that would be too easy. Love is like shooting a booger out of Lincoln’s nose on the penny blindfolded, on one foot. Deadly accuracy. Well, I lost again. I don’t have any damn balance anyways.

Sidenote: Fuck R&B, I’m back on my Wu-Tang Shit. Protect your neck- and your heart.

Monae~Sweetest Hangover…Part 2

I was awakened to kisses on my neck and the aroma of  breakfast….. in bed.  I still felt as though I was on a high….sleepily drunk even as I tried to gather myself together. “Good morning beautiful”. I looked towards him and blushed slightly. “When did you have time to do all of this?” “Now why are you worried about all of that Mo. Just eat so your stomach can quit talkin’ shit! I’ve had more than enough of my fill….I’m satisfied….for now.” He looked at me with a mischievious smirk and that’s when I realized it…..where the f–k were my panties?! I tried to do a quick glance around the suite without being obvious. “They’re on my side of the bed Mo……”  I looked down at myself and was wrapped up in the sheets, hair all over my head, sleep in my face and yet this man had still gotten up to feed me….where did he find the energy?! Especially after last night….

 We dined in the fanciest of restaurants and he treated me to the infamous  Vegas shows. I was the lucky charm on his arm as he staked his claim in the casinos. He must’ve won over five grand one night which he referred to as “chump change”. Had I won in the jackpot of love? Did it have my back this time? I was trying to just enjoy the moment….expecting nothing because I didn’t want to get too ahead of myself.  Maurice just seemed so perfect….I was afraid to give my all and in turn be let down once again. “You good babe? What are you thinkin’ about?” He snapped me back to reality. I stared at him hard trying to find something…..anything that would prove my thoughts right.  He stared back just as intensely and I felt that familiar feeling….“C’mon let’s go.” he stated and led me towards the exit of the casino. My head was all messed up now….I just KNEW we were about to go make a movie on this 30th floor balcony. I was beginning to feel a bit agitated at the sexual frustration, the emotional frustration…somebody pour me a shot of something PLEASE!

 We walked the Vegas strip hugged up as though we’d been together for years. There was a slight chill in the air that I damn sure needed to alleviate this edge….now that we were away from all the lights and sounds, Maurice and I began to REALLY talk. We discussed our fears, our expectations, a future….that could include, dare I say, a relationship! He had definitely changed….and I admired him for that. I admired his consistency….the way he offered to do everything for me. That would take getting used to but the idea that he didn’t mind stuck with me. All of this combined with the fact that he was the playing with fire type of sexy….a gift and curse to my life right about now. I’d gone without for far too long….I’m sure those who were still up in the city of bright lights got more than an eyeful….this movie will NOT be sold in stores.

 So I had a huge decision to make……..I’d been back in Miami for two days now and I hadn’t contacted Khoury. Truth be told, I didn’t want to face him. I felt as though my mind was already made up and I couldn’t stand to break this news to him. I’d given more than enough of myself to Maurice and taken in all that he gave me  and he’d left me with the sweetest hangover…..DAMN IT! How could I hide feelings like this? I’ll tell him….one day……don’t judge me.

Be HAPPY! At least my drought is OVER =). What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas…..just know that it happened many….many…many times…..*satisfied sigh* <3

Jayde – Do You Know NORMAL? – Post #5

Have you met normal before? Where is he? Where are the normal men? Is there any such thing? Looking back I’ve never met one.  Normal is defined by Merriam-Webster as free from mental disorder, sane.  I started to believe that all men were either clinically depressed, crybabies or goons, no joke.

“Woe is Me”Donald.  Donald is my high school sweetheart.  He was my first love, before I knew the meaning.  We planned our lives together and expected to be together forever.  Our kids names were picked out and we were planning our wedding.  We decided to move to North Carolina when he finished his time in the Air Force and I finished school.  When Donald joined the Air Force he was stationed in Las Vegas.  Over the summer I took a trip out there.  During that time I met the real Donald.  Being out there was an experience I would never repeat.  The Air Force left him depressed all the time and he would spend his days drinking. Donald would drink from wake up to bedtime.  He’d wake up in the middle of the night and take a shot because he couldn’t sleep.  Our relationship ended with me always being his crutch.  Donald dropped all his issues on me and was never sober enough to listen to me.  I could never tell Donald any of my problems because I had to always help him solve his.  It was a real life episode of Intervention.  I stuck it out trying to be there for him but his depression and condescending ways were depressing and changing me.  I left Donald and vowed not to date another alcoholic, depressed boy.

“Crybaby”James.  I met James my sophomore year of college and things between us quickly escalated.  I was young, naïve and thought I was in love, again.  James treated me like I thought all men treated their women.  He was my first older man, 2 years my senior.  Every Friday we had date night and he treated me with the upmost respect.  James was in the army and had to leave for training a month over the summer.  He wrote and called me and I wrote him.  I thought everything was perfect until he came back.  The first day of classes James sent me an AIM message and broke up with me.  He gave me no explanation.  After the breakup he avoided me every day for two months.  When James and I finally began talking he explained he broke it off because I only wrote him two letters. LOL like WTF are you serious?! I was over his childish ways.  Despite our breakup I lost my virginity to James.  Because of this James thought I’d always want him…such a negative.  Everything James said was based on the fact that he was real, yea as real as Plies.  I ended it all with me telling him a real n*gga wouldn’t cry over two letters.   Geesh #manup!

“The Goon”Adrian.  “Cause baby I’m a thug.”  That described Adrian in one sentence.  Adrian was the stereotypical black man you see in the movies.  Two kids, no job and a drug dealer.  Before I met him he had been to prison twice.  While we were together Adrian went to jail three times and now he’s in prison again. Our relationship when he was on the streets was volatile.  We would throw things and fist fight but the makeup sex kept me around.  I became an addict to his magic stick.  I gave Adrian my all and was blinded by my love for him.  Fifteen months into his sentence I left.  I was tired of remembering the past and couldn’t let go of it.  I kept thinking of the drama, the different women and the sleepless nights.  I took a minute and now I’m #ontothenext.

“McDreamy”Stanley.  Stanley is the prince that saves the day.  He has come and rescued me from my misery.  Stanley is the first normal guy I’ve met.  He’s in college, has a job, no kids, a house and a car.  He is that knight with the shining armor.  I’m just hoping McDreamy can turn into McSteamy!  Because I have found someone who is sane I am taking him home.  Stanley is coming home with me this weekend to meet both sides of my family at my Grandmother’s 70^th birthday party.  We’ll see how this goes…….

Monae~Sweetest Hangover…

My days were spent reminiscing…..how early is too early to be in love?? Ok, ok, ok……let me slow down a bit. I may be giving you all just a bit too much here. Maybe I’m in love with the idea of being in love. Yet, the feelings that I’m experiencing are urging me to expect more of……do I give in to these urges and let this man catch me? I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t falling……and hard at that! The weekend we spent together released a myriad of emotions between  us that neither knew were even capable of existing. Being that we’ve both hurt each other intentionally over the years….HURT people HURT people. Nonetheless I believe in second chances…..and since Maurice had damn near laid all his cards on the line, I decided to put myself back in the game. I only prayed and hoped that I was dealing the right hand this time around.

When I arrived in North Carolina, he was waiting at the airport with a huge smile and mysterious gleam in his eye. I was already extremely nervous at the uncertainty…..what could he possibly have in store for us this weekend? As soon as I could open my mouth to say “Hey”, he was hugging me…..whispering in my ear about how glad he was that I’d made the trip. He smelled of Acqua di Gio and my heart fluttered a bit as I let myself relax in his arms. I felt like Whitney Houston and I exhaled….”Lord don’t pinch me yet. I’m not ready to wake up.” He slipped his hand in mine and we headed towards the baggage claim. After he’d taken my luggage from the belt, he led me in the direction of another airline carrier. “Wait…..where are you going?” I asked. He laughed. “Don’t be nervous Monae…just trust me.” I stopped walking and released my hand from his in true stubborn girl form. “Alright…alright! I was trying to surprise you but since you’re Ms. Impatient….how does Vegas sound for the weekend?” My face dropped. He couldn’t be serious!?! “I thought you’d be pleased….there’s more to come……”

After being spoiled in first class we arrived to Sin City. My nerves were so on edge. I couldn’t believe we were actually in damn Las Vegas! On a whim….I could get used to this. There was a driver waiting for us as we exited the terminal. I was trying my best to remain unphased….but I knew Maurice and he loved to be over the top and I knew that this was just the beginning of him trying to win me over…..as the messages began to filter in to my Blackberry, more than a few were from Khoury checking to see if I’d arrived safely. Guilt immediately set in so I turned the device off completely. Maurice advised the driver that we’d be staying at The Palazzo…..oh so he was REALLY trying to impress me. I laughed to myself. As much shit as he and I had gone through in the history of  “us”….I never pictured him wanting to get it together. All the times my heart ached after this man….all the times we blew up at each other. All the times my pride wouldn’t allow me to wholeheartedly express what I was really feeling……everything happens for a reason.

The driver pulled around to a private entrance of the resort and came to a stop. “I’m proving myself worthy this weekend Mo…when we leave here, there shouldn’t be any doubt in your mind as to who you want to be your man. I know you dealing with someone in Miami…I don’t miss much. Whatever we did to each other in the past, let’s just leave it at that….fresh slate baby. You ready?”

By all means…..let the fun begin…..

“Hasta Que Te Conoci” – Veronica #17

I sat in a daze for about 5 minutes, until I felt my phone vibrating. It was Miguel, asking if I was coming or not so he could have dinner ready. I told him I was packing my overnight bag, and to give me 30 minutes. I knew exactly why I was going over there: closure. I just needed a way out. I don’t like excuses, but then again I didn’t have any as to why I was going over there. I yearned for the release of my sexual frustrations and the warmth of his embrace, yet I no longer yearned for Miguel. He’d become almost a faceless being to me. He could’ve changed his face to mirror that of Michael Jackson’s and I still wouldn’t flinch.

I’m pretty sure Miguel couldn’t say the same for me, as I walked into his dimly lit apartment with the smell of herbed salmon and jasmine rice cooking. He hadn’t gone through much trouble, yet I did notice that he REMEMBERED. He hugged me when I came in, handing me a glass of Moet. I felt a strange feeling come over me, as if something was telling me to turn around. I sat at the table as he placed my plate in front of me and carried his plate to his seat next to me. I picked at my food silently, watching GoodFellas on tv. He eventually started asking me questions, which later led to us laughing and joking for a bit.

After eating we took our glasses to the couch and watched the rest of the movie. I sat next to him with a 2 ton weight in the bottom of my stomach. Towards the end of the movie he took my glass from my hand and downed the champagne. He placed the empty glass on the end table and led me to the bedroom.

We stood next to his bed, kissing slowly until he laid me down among the mass of pillows. Yes there was a slight sensation of passion, yet I felt my mind becoming distant. Usually he could send me to a climax in a matter of minutes, but it just was not in me tonight. I was able to release my tension, yet my mind was still in the clouds. He was still faceless and heartless to me. I felt our connection fading, and that was fine. I kissed harder, hoping he could sense the emotions behind letting someone go. It only intensified him, so I realized I was stuck. He was just not willing to let me go.

After we finished I took a shower. He watched as I pinned my hair up in the full length closet mirror. I pretended as if I didn’t notice his stare, mainly because I didn’t want him to think that I cared. He stared at my frame until I climbed in bed next to him. He scooted a little closer to me and actually put his hand on my ass. As soon as I felt his hand, I jumped up and got a glass of water from the kitchen. I drank half and handed the rest to him. Within minutes I was fast asleep.

The next morning I dressed for work. As usual, he watched me get dressed in the mirror with this look of infatuation and admiration. I carried my pumps to the living room so I could get dressed without two beady brown eyes staring at my backside. He ended up following me, asking if I wanted breakfast. Absolutely not. I grabbed my bag and told him I would see myself out. I knew that wouldn’t be the last time I would see him, but I took it for what it was – an empty fuck.

“Complicated”- Veronica #16

Two months had passed since my aunt’s birthday dinner. I was on my way to the airport for a business trip when I realized I hadn’t heard from Miguel since. I found it amusing as usual, and smiled as my limo driver opened my door for me at the terminal. Luckily I had no delays from JFK to Charlotte Airport, so I sat in the Delta Sky Travelers Lounge until it was time to board. I checked my emails and noticed two from both Andre and Malik. For why? They both essentially stated how much they missed me and couldn’t get me out of their thoughts, no matter how hard they tried. I was the epicenter of their heart, and they desperately wanted to reach me.

BLAH.

Once I arrived back to JFK the next day, I got all of my missed messages from my flight, and they were all from Miguel. I immediately reached for my leftover mini bottle of Chardonnay from the plane. I exhaled, and began to scroll.

Message 1: V, hey I know it’s been a long time. Lately i’ve been keeping a distance between me and other people, I just get in these moods where I crawl into a hole for weeks at a time. I just wanted to explain myself because I owe you that much.

Message 2: I know you probably think some terrible things about me, and I understand. I haven’t exactly presented myself in a way that would alllow you to think any different. Yes, I have treated you wrong for not speaking to you. You did nothing wrong. In fact, you have been perfect. Maybe that’s what scares me. And I dont want you to

Message 3: blame yourself for any of this. I’m a little fucked up in the head and you deserve better. I don’t want a commitment right now, and you don’t deserve to be a part of my madness. Meaning I don’t want to see you and other women at the same time cuz you’re better than that. But who knows what the future holds…

Message 4: I didn’t know how to come at you really, especially after my mom’s dinner and I brought that girl with me. I probably should’ve gave you the heads up but I decided to come at the last minute, and me and her had been hangin out all day. But it’s not what you think, she’s a coworker.

Message 5: Maybe one day we can straighten all this out. I miss having you around.

********************************************************************************

Now can I just stop right here and say WHAT THE FUCK? This is supposed to make sense, or ease my mind? Did he really think that I was sitting by the phone hoping he’d enlighten me on his crazy behavior? Not at all. Yes, I’d gotten used to having him in my life but it was becoming very easy to forget that he was ever there.

I paid the cab driver and walked inside my apartment. My phone rings…..I answered on the fifth ring. “Aye V, you got my messages? I was rambling, I know *chuckle*

Dryly I responded, “yes Miguel, I got ALL your messages.” Insert awkward silence. I kicked off my Calvin Klein flats , took off my jeans, and laid across my duvet. Then I let him have it.

“Miguel, I don’t really like playing games with anyone that I’m dealing with. I understood from day one that you didn’t want a commitment and I never once asked you for anything. You were the one acting as if you’re in a relationship when in reality you aren’t. I was never sitting here wondering who you were with or if you were thinking of me. Why? Veronica has her own life. Veronica is happy. Yes we had a lot of great times but I just dont particularly care for people who aren’t honest and in control of their own feelings. Miguel, if you wanna bring a date to a party then that’s fine. I’m not sure why that was necessary to bring some supposed coworker to a family event but that’s just how you felt. You have to realize that I’m a lot smarter than what you give me credit. I’ve already done the dating, the serious relationships, and the in-betweens. That shit got old before I even left college. One thing that I prefer is simple ass stability. I don’t do the “come-and-go” thing, so I’d just rather be alone. And if you think about it, I really don’t know THAT much about you. I know your likes and dislikes, but you refuse to share yourself with me so I truly can’t get mad anyway. It’s not as if you have been open and honest the entire time. Everything is a secret with you. At the end of the day, people come and go. That’s life. I appreciate you for your messages, but let’s be honest, you didn’t owe me anything.”

Miguel gasped. I heard it, he was thrown off guard. He knew I was like a pitbull when he met me, not sure why he was surprised.

That was a hard pill to swallow, and he needed to take it all in. “Yo V, i hear you but i felt bad. i mean, the right thing for me to do was to call you and just let you know about me bringing somebody to that dinner. i promise she is JUST a friend, we were hangin out and I remembered about that dayum dinner at the last minute. but nah, that girl means nothing.”

“Miguel, I heard you the first time. But if we aren’t together, why should I care who you’re dating? I really don’t.”

“Veronica, like for real. You know I don’t get down like that, she ain’t even my type. Look at her, and look at you, big difference.”

“Miguel, if we’re just friends, why does it even matter if I’m your type or not?” More silence. I was getting bored with this conversation and I wanted it to end. He was lying, and I was getting irritated. If you’re sleeping with some chick at your job, that is YOUR mess. Veronica feels bad for her, because she is probably thinking the two of ya’ll will be together. And of course she has no idea who I am because you didn’t even have the decency to introduce her to anyone. I could’ve just said all of this, but then that would encourage more dialogue and my ass was ready to hang up the phone and get some curry shrimp from the Jamaican restaurant.

The useless banter continued for the next 15 minutes. I’d already ordered my food online and waited for the buzzer to ring. Miguel mentioned that he wanted to see me tonight. I stood by my door with a blank stare. Dayum I hadn’t had any action in 4 months, ugh. I was confused. I definitely don’t want HIM, but I wanted THAT.

“Hello, Veronica, you there? Hello?”

Corey, Post #5: Computer Love

Ladies and Gents, we left off with me being stuck on the phone with my best friend, Angie the wine-o explaining to me how I basically have no choice- to date or a fate worse than death, which would be allowing Angie to throw me to the foul Swamp-Donkeys that always seemed to be licking their chops at me when I’d hang out with her friends in Orlando. You laugh, but you know you have a friend right now that’s tried to hook you up with Mr. or Miss “Nice Personality.”

Behold, a Swamp Donkey= Angies Choices for me.

But the alternative to me was like a really bad game of truth or dare. Take the ugly girls that Angie chills with, or the following:

“Corey, you have to go on a date with someone from MySpace.”

My Space? You Gotta be Kidding!

My Space? Ridiculous. Granted, this was before My Space was entirely like Black Planet. But considering the alternative, I knew I had no choice. So, as Angie mixed her next random drink, I was perusing MySpace, scared to death of what I was gonna find. I mean, seriously? What do you think when you think of internet dating?

1. The Person sure as hell does not look like their picture.
2. The Muh-Fucka is crazy as hell.
3. The Muh-Fucka is crazy as hell and a killer.

So I got onto the MySpace Search Engine and put in my zip code, which tossed about a kajillion pictures. From there, I checked some of the boxes in the filter screen.

Age? Check. Drinks? Check. Single? CHECK. And then came the next box I had never experienced as a single parent: With Kids, Check.

This time, I wanted to be able to be with someone that understood what I’ve been going through, even though Elijah was currently with his mom up in Dallas.

Submit. Eleven Names Pop up.

To ensure that I made the quota that Angie set for me, I selected three women and decided to send them a message. I tried my best to make it honest, and not like I was crazy or a stalker.

“Hi, I’m Corey. I just got out of a relationship a few months ago and so I really haven’t dated much. I saw that you were interested in dating. Well heres a few things about me…I hope that you write back and maybe we can talk a little bit. –Corey-“

Yeah, that shit sounded either lame as hell or like a molester. I swear women were going to think that I was trying to lure them into my car with a lollipop. But believe it or not, it worked. Niah sent me a message back. “Hi Corey, the message you sent me was really sincere. I appreciate you not sending a picture of your penis to me. We should keep messaging each other!”

I was a bit nervous. Angie told me that I was supposed to try this shit. She didn’t say she actually believed it would work.

So we started firing off questions back in forth. My first question was if she was married. She laughed and told me no, she was divorced. Thank God. We kept exchanging pleasantries and MySpace messages turned into IMs. I grew some balls and eventually asked for her number. Her voice was like Chardonnay… very sweet and light, with a hint of child at heart. And she had to be a child at heart because Niah had two sons from her marriage, which was a rough one. She almost couldn’t say her Ex’s name without barfing, and admired the fact that Cassandra and I didn’t hate each other. She sounded so sweet, I hoped that her looks matched those on her profile page. Eventually she told me where she worked, and at that point it was almost scary. She was a bank teller manager at the Wachovia behind my house. What were the chances? I told her that I’d drop by and make a deposit while she worked the next day so that she could see that I looked like my pictures, and she agreed. But now I was nervous. Just like every other one of my dating situations, Murphy’s law is gonna have to rear its ugly head.

I hope she's as sweet as she sounds...

I put on a button up Kenneth Cole shirt and a pair of loafers like I was heading to a bar. Go figure, a blind date at a damned bank, right? I walked in and started filling out my deposit slip. I surveyed the bank akin to a lifeguard looking for danger, and saw nothing. Not a single person that even appeared to look like Niah. I walked out of the bank, slightly disappointed that I didn’t see her. Frankly, I was actually hurt. I started to trust someone, and I played again. Who gets stood up at someone’s Job?

“COREY! Wait!”

I turned around, and she was moving in slow motion. Running through a field of flowers, arms outstretched, Just like the cartoon montages we saw as kids. Niah had to be the goddess of sincerity and beauty. Her hazel eyes exuded the true meaning of honesty. What made her more beautiful is that she was naturally beautiful. She was in a Wachovia Polo and some business slacks and they did her no justice. Her hair had to be down to the small of her back, but she had it in a bun to remain business casual. I balked a little bit because she was actually lighter complexioned than I, which was extremely abnormal. I was a bit scared after my last snafu with Clara- Miss “Lightskinned Babies.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t come out to see you while you were in the building. I was walking out eating a sandwich, and you were looking…so…wow. Corey, you really do your pictures justice!” And then she touched my hand.

I sounded like the bastard son of Porky Pig and Elmer Fudd. “Umm, well, I was hoping you’d see me. And where is this attractive brotha you continue to talk about, because you aren’t talking about me.” I was then, at that point attempting to discreetly maneuver my short sword away from Niah, so I wouldn’t stab her as she kept walking closer. I prayed that she wouldn’t notice.

I was Norbit nervous when I saw her.

So here we were. A girl who almost died choking on a sandwich because she saw me, and me trying to maneuver a boner away from her so I didn’t embarrass myself. We clearly had a physical attraction for each other, but was there going to be substance?

“Niah, I’d love to take you to lunch next week. No sandwiches by the way.” She laughed. “Sure Corey. Id love to.” As she walked away, I remained in shock. All this shit I talked about internet dating, and I think I’ve found a good one.

Jayde – Hate That I Love You – Post #4

I’ve been doing the “dating”, “talking” thing and that hasn’t given me the assurance I’ve needed.  I went so far as to try an on-line dating website.  I wanted to meet people for dates without actually having to involve myself with them.  I’m not sure if I’m explaining it right.  I hate talking to a guy and pretending to care about his life, thoughts or beliefs.  With the on-line dating it was all superficial and based on your picture.  The guy would comment on your beauty and ask you out for a date.  With-in five hours of being on there I was asked out to dinner.  It was just what I wanted but I declined.  It’s amazing how we tend to ask for things and when we get it we change our minds.  I wanted to go on the date but I was afraid.  I was afraid of falling out of love with Adrian, the liar, the cheater and the heart breaker.

I am deeply in love with this man and don’t know how to get over it.  I thought dating would help but it seems to be pushing me closer to him instead.

I decided to stay on the dating site and try and be more open.  I found one guy who I was actually interested in but in the end he was a bore.  I have a difficult time attaching myself to men as far as caring about what comes out of their mouth.  I’ve been called a rude ass, b****, and all the above and now I’m beginning to realize I have those tendencies.  I guess they can feel my (not interested vibe).

He became a stalker and I had to delete my account and block his number from calling my phone.  I can’t handle crazy!

During the time I was doing the on-line dating I was rekindling an old flame.  I believed it was better to go back to someone who was able to keep my attention than trying to find someone new.  Stanley and I met in 2008 when my chapter attended BCU’s homecoming.  Adrian and I were on our “off” break and I was taking full advantage.  Stanley and I had hung out all day drinking and chilling at the BBQ.  Later that night we attended one of the homecoming after parties and after a couple drinks I was an open book.  When I first meet a guy I don’t usually listen to their life story because honestly I could care less.  With the alcohol in my system I listened and actually enjoyed the conversation.  We ended our night walking on Daytona Beach at 3am.  We spent the entire morning on the beach just talking till the sun came up…it was like a scene out of a movie.

Stanley lived in Atlanta and asked me to visit him.  I had never been and was decided to take him up on his offer.  It was the perfect weekend.  He treated me like a queen and I didn’t feel pressured to give him the goodies.  We spent three wonderful nights together, without sex, and I still enjoyed myself.  It was then I realized that I can actually enjoy being with someone and not getting my brains f***ed out every night.  After about two months of semi-dating I cut it off with Stanley and went back to Adrian, I was addicted to him.  My ties to Adrian were so strong, even when a good man came along I couldn’t seem to leave.  Here was the MAN I’ve been wanting and I couldn’t leave the boy of my past.

Stanley and I remained friends and spoke often.  He knew the situation with Adrian being locked up and saw his opportunity to have a second chance.  His timing IS perfect.  He came and spent a weekend with me and hit a nerve, a good nerve.  I’ve made plans to take a trip up to Atlanta for his birthday, which just happens to be Valentine’s Day.

Now the issue arises; Adrian also asked me to come to the prison for the Valentine’s Day weekend also.  I haven’t seen him since October and I’ve flaked out twice.  I really want to visit Stanley but I really want to see Adrian.  I honestly feel like I may be using Stanley to replace Adrian until he is released.  In the end I believe I’ll end up with Adrian, unfortunately.  *sigh*