I couldn’t have been more happier with the possibilities. Here he was…damn near Mr. Right and for once, I looked forward to sharing with him. My days were spent constantly thinking about him. The nights were consumed with sweet talk, sex talk and the building anticipation of reuniting. A childhood friend of his was celebrating his birthday in town and he had invited me to attend the festivities. We decided to make a weekend of it and the countdown was on. I was on pins and needles in the weeks that led up to the day we’d finally see each other. The conversations became more intense…I tried to remind myself to stay collected. We envisioned where we wanted things to lead but we were so ahead of ourselves. Vowing to let things flow naturally, I boarded my flight and couldn’t wait to be in his arms.

I spotted him immediately in the fast paced airport crowd. He grabbed my bag and he walked alongside each other to his car. I found myself feeling shy even as we joked around with each other. He put my bag in his trunk and walked around to open the passenger side door for me like a gentleman. Once he was in and seated, he suddenly leaned in and kissed me. Instant warmth like warm cocoa and marshmallows spread over me and I could then tell that I was right where I wanted to be.

As the night drew on, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. We met up with his friend, Jamal for birthday dinner and drinks. He made introductions and there was a good rapport among us. The more the drinks flowed, the more indecent my thoughts became. We eventually left to head back to his place and although we’d promised not to let this time lead to sex, I was thisclose to giving in. So close that all I wanted to do was slide the panties to the side and get it in. No dice…we ended up making out and cuddling like we cared about each other and I fell asleep in his arms. I woke up to the sun coming through the curtains and something poking against my ass. I backed up into him and thought for sure that this would be it until a blast from the tv came from his living room. I turned to look at him with a questioning face and he told me that it didn’t make sense for Jamal to stay in a hotel so he invited him to crash for the weekend being that it was his birthday. I shrugged it off but made a mental note to throw Jamal a side eye for cock blocking! The idea of getting caught began to appeal to me but while I attempted to get him to play along, he low key brushed me off weirdly as though he wasn’t into that kind of thing. Now I was frustrated! I headed to go shower and called a local friend to make plans for her to pick me up from his place for brunch. He and I had a date night scheduled later and I didn’t want us to over saturate ourselves by staying up under each other all day. As though she knew my timing perfectly, she was downstairs waiting as soon as I had finished dressing and was strapping up my sandals. He broke himself away from the video game he was playing with Jamal to walk me to the door, kiss me goodbye and whisper how he couldn’t wait to tear my ass up later. That put a definite pep in my step and I couldn’t WAIT for it. My friend and I were in route to one of our favorite restaurants when I realized I’d forgotten my phone. She skillfully made a quick u-turn. Although I had nothing to hide, I was not comfortable with leaving it there. She arrived back to his place in no time and I raced into an opening elevator. Once reaching his floor I made a quick right to end up in front of his apartment and realizing again I had no way to call him, began knocking. Too much time went by and I didn’t believe he could’ve left that quickly so I knocked again….nothing. I was beginning to become antsy. Why wasn’t he answering? Where was Jamal? I knocked once more and silence. I turned the knob on the door to try and indicate that someone was trying to get in and it surprisingly wasn’t locked and had easily opened. I figured he went downstairs to his car and would be back soon so I headed to his room to get my phone from his nightstand when…

There he was bent over someone and pumping away…followed by moans and groans that sounded as though it was the best sex they ever had. I could feel the steam coming from my ears. Did he really have me come all the way here just to be sexing another chick?! “Excuse you?!” I interrupted loudly and that’s when I felt my heart drop. He…and…Jamal…together. I dry heaved and nothing would come out. I snatched my phone and from the corner of my eye I could see him coming towards me with all kinds of “Baby I can explain”…“Don’t go”

Different strokes…for different folks…literally.

I tried to backtrack… did I miss the signs? Maybe the feelings I had for him led me blindly to believe otherwise. We’d only known each other a short time but…everything meshed SO well. It was if we were friends forever who had just realized this amazing attraction to the other. After this debacle I’m convinced that my choices in men are faulty. Every guy I’m attracted to has major issues…and in this special case, secrets.

We had reconnected a couple of months earlier. I’ll admit that he was a breath of fresh air after awhile of having had no meaningful interactions. We went from talking every couple of days to communicating damn near 25/8. “Good morning” texts turned into full day chat sessions at work which then turned into Skype sessions in the evening. I had fallen…and so quickly at that. I didn’t want to give in to everything that I was feeling so I played Ms. Levelheaded. Ever the pessimist in situations deemed too good to be true, I was at war with the words my heart whispered. “Surely this couldn’t be Mr. Right.” …we made plans for a future…without even knowing if the future would exist for us. I was excited yet unnerved…could I be headed into a serious relationship? I toyed with the thought until…

He resisted praying. When inquired as to why, his response, “I just don’t believe.” To say that I was disappointed would only be putting it lightly. How could this seemingly amazing guy not have any religious belief? How could I even realistically think of spending my life with him? Devastation set in and I felt as though I was being punished for ill made decisions made in my past. I made a decision to remove myself but against my better judgment, I jumped back in headfirst. My brain swam with one too many “What if?” scenarios. My standpoint was that I’d worry about any repercussions later…if only I’d known then what I know now.

It was 10:33 P.M. on a weekend and I was  still home…with no plans. I suggested that he and I hang out Saturday night. He stated that he was cool with it…until Saturday night comes and I hear nothing from him. I wanted to be irate…after all this isn’t the first time he’s pulled a stunt like this. I just couldn’t muster up enough energy to be angry about it this time around. It was as if  I already expected him to not keep his word. Three years later and he still hasn’t changed. I wanted him to be different. I wanted to believe that it could work. The whole situation shouldn’t be this hard.

I entertained thoughts of calling his phone repeatedly until he answered. I contemplated riding past his house to see if his car was still in the driveway. Was I not worth the small consideration of, “Not tonight. Let’s plan for another time”? A simple text or phone call would suffice. Instead I’m sitting  here  steaming while all kinds of hateful thoughts run through my mind. The communication issues were evident between us. That was what caused me to to attempt to erase him from my life the last time. But he showed up yet again…asking what did I need from him and what did he need to do to show me that this time wasn’t a game.

An hour later I found myself in the car and on my way…to HIM. He had called apologizing profusely…claiming he’d fallen asleep and didn’t realize it was so late…blah, blah, blah. My eyes narrowed as he explained and I tried to dismiss his ass altogether but I still really just wanted to see him. I arrived and sat myself on his couch almost yards away from where he was. I knew he could sense that I wasn’t really feeling his flakiness. The back and forth game was getting old. Either he was with me or he wasn’t. The days he acted as though he cared made my heart soar over the moon and then the other days…

He grabbed my hand and led me to his room where he began to apologize in a major way. The sounds were echoing loudly off the walls. My toes were curled…my back was arched…my thighs were already aching but in spite of my heart tellin’ me that it was just smoke and mirrors I was giving in to him. He kept staring into my eyes and tellin’ me the d**k was mine…totally stroking my ego BIG TIME. He had me like putty in his hands. I wrapped my legs around his back to pull him closer when he leans in near my face to whisper, “Have my baby.”

Say what???

I was sitting on the balcony admiring the skyline during a recent trip when the call came. My heart began to race once my photographic memory recognized the number that flashed on the screen. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks and thought that he would forever remain a memory after the last encounter. I stared at the ringing phone before I finally answered. It was hard for me to play tough as nails like I had done during the time I refused to contact him. My voice instantly softened when he spoke and I was putty all over again. He reiterates how I must really hate him because I haven’t contacted him in weeks…how I must not care…how he misses me so. **sigh** Why is he taking me through this again…better yet, why am I allowing myself to be a subject for it? I listen to his conversation and struggle not to have a complete meltdown. I nonchalantly tell him I’ll see him once I’m back in town…“I miss you…”  There he goes again…making me want to feel things I shouldn’t. I tell him I’m on my way out and we’ll talk later. My face is flushed…and then I find myself texting him “I miss you too…”

I woke up to “Good Morning beautiful” text messages the next day. I’m sure he knew he accomplished what he set out to do…which was to get up in my head AGAIN. He succeeded…because I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I couldn’t wait to get back to him…yet he still wasn’t completely mine. I was in my feelings again and it was hard to crawl back out. I didn’t want to fall into the same routine only to end up having it blow up in my face again. I tried to reprogram my brain…no expectations means no disappointments. It’s hard though…especially in regards to matters of the heart. As I boarded my plane back to reality I could only hope that he was  sincerely ready for what he initially asked for.

A couple days went by and I fell back into my regular routine of filling up my days so that my nights would only be consumed with sleep. Of course my heart was set on seeing him as soon as my plane touched down but I didn’t hold my breath on that. I had to remind myself he was still a man…he still wasn’t mine. He invites me over. I didn’t expect to do anything but talk about what needed to change so that we could finally have some sort of normalcy.

One minute I’m telling him about my trip. We’re kicked back watching “Behind The Music” and laughing about jheri curls and weird names. Soon he’s pulling me into his arms…kissing me…taking off my dress…whispering in my ear gettin’ some straightenin’ about my attitudinal issues. I’m weak…he wasn’t making it easy for me to turn him away. His arms kept me close…his lips wouldn’t leave mine…his d–k told me countless times…every stroke…I…MISS…YOU. Every long stare…every ego blast…every position change…every time he grabbed my hands and interlocked his fingers with mine…I was fallin’ yet again.  Intense make-up sex without a break up…why is he so hard to resist???

I walked to a bench on the back side of the restaurant to sit down and think. My marriage could possibly go down in flames. It had only been 8 months and the novelty was gone. It was more work than I expected. Most couples fight about sex or finances. RJ and I never had problems in those areas. I’m not sure what our problem was. I thought we weathered every storm imaginable. Honestly I was never told HOW TO LOVE. I just figured that if I loved someone the way that I wanted to be loved, then everything would fall into place. I wasn’t even sure how to fight for my marriage. At the time, getting married just made sense. No one in my family gave me any forewarnings or advice…only their blessing. Maybe they had more faith in me than I had in myself.

I was never the little girl who dreamt of her perfect wedding day. Since I was eight years old, I wanted to be a lawyer. Or a singer or something. All I ever wanted was a career. I had the career and I unexpectedly fell in love along the way. I truly believed RJ had complete control over my heart. There was no way I’d leave. He knew it. And I didn’t want him to leave, but I knew his son came first. But I needed to figure out how to save my marriage. If this meant the possibility of fertility clinics or surrogacy or whatever, I’d do it. It seemed like all RJ ever wanted was a real family. That was why he wanted to have his son closer. If I gave him a child, maybe it would bring US closer.

I felt a presence standing over me. I looked up and saw RJ’s smiling face. I smiled, grabbed his hand and stood to hug him. He held me for what seemed like an eternity. We went home to reclaim the passion that we’d lost. In that moment I sincerely wished that I could give him a child. That hurt more than I thought.I knew I was safe here with RJ. This made sense. But I’m not sure if I’m done experiencing what the world has to offer…..

Change is inevitable. Trying to avoid it is impossible…some change is for the better. Other times…not so much. I’ve endured as much as I could but every woman has a breaking point…and I believe I’ve reached mine. I guess you can say I’ve gotten a bit brand new. I’m a newly promoted senior analyst at my job. I’ve got my own place…I don’t have claim to any rugrats…yet I still don’t feel completely happy. I’m tired of playing by the rules because it’s gotten me nowhere fast. So yes, I’m overdue for a major change. A change that most won’t agree with but I’ve only got one life to live and I intend to be happy while I’m at it.

As I dined alone on Valentine’s Day, I couldn’t help but ponder on all the “what ifs” and had I not been kicked to the curb for last minute boo thangs, I wouldn’t have had time to dwell on certain issues in my life. An idle mind is the devil’s workshop though and just being in that atmosphere by my lonesome had me feeling some type of way. I felt as though everyone’s stares were “Killing Me Softly” a la Roberta Flack. As though they knew my life without me even having to give them any words. The girl, who had only hours before, been so self-confident about taking herself out was now drowning in self pity…at that very moment I felt so out of place. I laid some bills on the table and quietly made my exit.

I was so unnerved as I walked the city. I wasn’t ready to drive back home just to sit in the house alone. My mind drifted back to Darrius. On paper he was perfect but he lacked so much more in other areas. He was still letting his friends dictate his life…he spoke of he and I building on something together…but only behind closed doors. Amongst company he was a totally different person and I couldn’t tolerate that. I was literally dating my own personal Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Sometimes I wish I had waited on cutting ties…only for my own selfish reasons…until I received some news that brought about this change.

I stopped for a drink and to ponder on this decision that would shake up my life as well as the party involved. I had been down this road before and chose to play it safe but now…I was flirting more closely with danger and playing with fire. I was willing to take my chances…well behaved women rarely made history.

I pulled out my Blackberry to make the call that I’d been putting off for over a week now. I scrolled to his number and pressed send…when he answered I could hear the satisfaction oozing from his voice. He told me to call when I was ready and that’s just what I did…

I was ready…for whatever. I was tired of not being able to beat the crowd by being different so why not join them?? Besides…what his wife didn’t know…wouldn’t hurt her.

It had been three months since I moved out of Miami. I packed up my whole life minus the heartache and I had no plans on looking back. I’ll admit that my feelings were bittersweet…I’d spent my whole life in Florida but it was time to step out of my comfort zone. I couldn’t grow like I needed to if I stayed. I immediately accepted my job’s offer and was looking forward to a new beginning. I fought off the onset of homesickness by throwing myself headfirst into my brand new position as the senior analyst at my job. The pay raise was enough to make me forget ever knowing what was left behind. Decorating to my heart’s content is what took up most of my evenings until I was comfortably settled in. I was still kind of a loner at work…some of my co-workers refused to move…and were now out of a job. I just took everything in stride and focused on getting back to me. I’d lost myself throughout the past year and now was the perfect time for putting the pieces of my life back together.

Maurice was the only familiar face. When I’d officially accepted this offer, he tried to get me to entertain the idea of he and I moving in together…I don’t know what gave him the notion that we were supposed to just get back together like we already didn’t have a shitload of issues. I did get lonely in that house though…but I refused to call Maurice in fear of going backwards. The past needed to remain in the past. I was still kind of vulnerable and I didn’t need that temptation…which seemed to be jumping from every corner. James had been calling for the past month…little did he know that I knew he had reconciled with his wife. I knew that whole act was too good to be true! I contemplated changing my number just to rid myself of his sad ass messages…and along came Khoury. He called as I was about to board my flight to NC. I answered the phone in a haste and once I heard his voice I froze. I was incredibly uncomfortable and mumbled that I’d had to go while quickly pressing the end button. I had my reasons for not wanting to talk to him and I was fine with that.

I became a certified work-a-holic. I stayed late hours and brought the mornings in with the roosters that crowed. My boss was so impressed with my work ethic that he insisted I take a day off. I wasn’t looking forward to spending the day alone at home. As I was powering down for the day, the scent of some man’s cologne permeated my office space. I looked up and noticed one of the newly hired business analysts at my door. I’d seen him around but hadn’t had the time to introduce myself…even though right now he was looking good enough to…

“Monae?”

I snapped out of my trance

“Yes! Hi…you are?”

“Darrius…I just came by to introduce myself and ask if you’d like to join me later for dinner…that is if you aren’t busy.”

I laughed as he flashed a smile complete with dimples and perfect teeth. I couldn’t believe how forward he was. One thing I did know is that he came to this company highly recommended. I glanced quickly at his left hand…free and clear of a ring. I’m sure he had to come with some kind of drama…handsome, career driven Black man in a corporate world? I shook my head at the wayward thoughts.

We made small talk and despite my prior thoughts, I agreed to meet up with him. His flirtatious advances gave me butterflies and I couldn’t stop blushing….

Oh Darrius…who knows. He could be the blues in my left thigh trying to become the funk in my right. Yep…that’s alright!

Eight months later……
Call me stupid for marrying RJ, but I did. Right in lower Manhattan at the courthouse in a navy suit with nude Louboutins. Simple, we had enough complexities as is. I felt relieved that day, but I didn’t sleep that night. I didn’t know HOW to let go. My intuition was correct from when I was in the hospital, there was someone else. The mother of his child. I told RJ to spare me the details. I’d rather go to my grave not knowing what happened, if anything happened. After I was released from the hospital, I quit my job and opened my own legal consultation business. RJ had finally finished his MBA and was now working for a global insurance company.

It appeared that life was great. We purchased a condo not too far from the Brooklyn Bridge. According to the doctors, I would never be able to conceive again and we were okay with that. So I thought. RJ’s son would come visit us periodically, or we would fly down to North Carolina to see him. Of course I was a little uncomfortable with his babymother, but I married RJ and everything that came with his package deal.

One night RJ took me to dinner in the meatpacking district. We honestly hadn’t spent that much time together in a while since RJ’s job sent him to their London office once every two months. He was usually somewhere else besides NY any other time. Our relationship was no longer as carefree and open. The two of us rarely shared our thoughts with each other. As usual, I knew something was up with RJ so I quietly asked him to tell me what was going on.
In between bites of pasta, RJ informed me that he decided to move his son and the boy’s mother to New Jersey. I didn’t respond, I continued eating without missing a beat. I eventually glanced in his direction, attempting to grab the attention of our waiter so I could order more bread. As soon as the waiter walked towards our direction, RJ pounded the table with his fist. The waiter gasped and hurriedly spun around. I watched RJ get up and leave as the entire restaurant stared at me. By the time I got outside, I saw RJ smoking a cigarette. I stared at him briefly, then began walking in the other direction. I had no destination, and I was okay with that.

After a blood test, it was discovered that I’d suffered a miscarriage after being pregnant for 8 weeks. Perhaps that was why I threw up the other day on the stoop. Anyway, I called Monae before I could call my own mother. I knew she understood. I knew she could relate. I remained high on motrin so I wouldn’t have to lie awake and face my family. The doctors kept me in the hospital over the course of five days to run more tests, only to discover fibroid tumors. I asked my family to leave my room during my first night in the hospital.

I wanted time to myself, however I would soon wake up to see Miguel sitting next to me…squeezing my hand. It was weird but I felt an indescribable connection to him at that very moment even though this was not his baby. We sat in silence and eventually drifted off to sleep. This continued every night actually. On my last night in the hospital, there was a knock on the door. The nurse announced that I had a visitor, my husband. I had no idea who this could be, I didn’t think Miguel was crazy enough to pretend to be my husband. In walked a pitiful looking RJ. It looked as if he’d been sleeping in his truck for a week. Monae had apparently tracked RJ down and told him what happened. He walked in and stood next to my bed and said “I am so sorry that I left you. In a marriage, you can’t just walk out and leave when there’s a problem. Even though we aren’t married, you are my wife and I feel like shit for causing this to happen. I’ll never walk out on you and our family again.” I stared at him with a puzzled look. “But RJ, we don’t have a family. The baby is dead. She’s dead.” I watched him ball his fist up tightly and whisper “I know, and losing her makes me realize that we both fucked up.” I moved over to the other side of my bed so RJ could sit next to me. At that point I seriously doubted that RJ and I could last. I knew in the pit of my stomach that there was someone else in his life, and I was okay with that even though my heart was as cold as my baby.

I sat at the desk in my home office staring at the invitation in my hand…partly in shock and disbelief. My heart kind of flip flopped when I read the names that were so beautifully scripted on the delicate paper. I hadn’t been personally invited but someone I knew felt the need to let me in on this affair. Moments later my email notification chimed and I was pulled from my trance to see the wedding album link boldly standing out in my inbox. I hesitated before clicking. I don’t know if I was afraid of what I’d see…or afraid of my reaction. The “eff it” mentality kicked in and I went ahead and perused every single picture. Khoury and Shaunie…MARRIED. They had a full blown wedding at that…no courthouse rockin’ over there. Although the proof was right in my face it still seemed unreal. There was a picture of the both of them and Shaunie was cradling a baby boy that was the spitting image of his father. I was at a loss for words…I needed a drink.

I had to pull myself together before Maurice arrived. He was cooking dinner for us tonight and my mind was still in another place. I didn’t need this outside interference as I prepared to possibly leave Miami behind in order to maintain a lifestyle I’d become accustomed to courtesy of my job. I was still awaiting the word in regards to my placement. I had been on pins and needles since the day they announced the closing. The documents would be delivered so I jumped at every sound…imagined doorbell rings…it was enough to drive me crazy. I suddenly felt flushed…I could really go without hearing about one more baby or wedding announcement. Damn…he was married. I didn’t know how to feel about it. I started cleaning up to rid myself of the nervous energy but all I could think about were those wedding pictures. The smiling faces…they all seemed to be taunting me. Finding forever is such a beautiful thing and I hope to be as lucky one day. My track record was beyond discouraging and it was a constant reminder of my disappointments.

I had to put on my happy face though and I let Maurice wine and dine me. We weren’t on the relationship road but it was nice to have his company. He was a welcomed part of my world and he kept me sane. I think he could tell I had a lot on my mind but he didn’t question me about it until after we had pigged out on his shrimp creole and had parked ourselves in front of the Wii. We had every intention on playing….well scratch that…HE wanted to play. I just wanted to lay…down or something.

“You wanna talk about it Mo?”

My face frowned in confusion….”Talk about what?”

He came to sit next to me…grabbed my hands in his and we were just silent with each other for a while.

“Your job…your having to move…you can’t just keep everything bottled up. I know something’s bothering you.”

I couldn’t look at him in fear of breaking down completely…even when everything seemed calm in my world there was never enough peace of mind. I was saved by the ringing of the doorbell and couldn’t get up quick enough. I lowkey wiped the tears that were threatening to fall before he could catch wind of my emotional warfare and opened the door to face my future. I signed and retrieved my documents from the delivery guy and headed back to the living room. I sat down and all of a sudden became nervous. My heart was threatening to beat its way outside of my chest. I didn’t have the strength for this.

“Maurice…would you..”

He took the envelope from my hand and opened it. There was a small stack of papers and I immediately assumed that they had placed me in west no man’s land Kentucky alone. At that moment I wanted to hate them for making me suffer like this…especially at this point in my life.

“Wow…”

I looked up at him and wished I would’ve opened it myself.

“Wow what? Is it bad?? Where am I going??? Is it far?? Wait, don’t tell me…let me see it. No…ugh what’s the verdict?!?”

“North Carolina Mo…they placed you in North Carolina.”

He and I looked at each other…and in that moment…the pictures began to fade…farewell Miami.

Life has a funny way of turning out…