Monae~He’s My Drug #2

I got a habit that I can’t kick….and everytime I feel as though I’ve sobered up, I relapse! I’m ad-DICK-ted to him. Yes he’s my drug and he’s found his way back into my veins. I can vividly remember the times full of unnerving feelings I’d get when I knew I was contemplating tapping into that…. I recall my pulse racing, my nerves being shot and butterflies dancing within my belly just because it was him. Shit,  just reminiscing had me fiending for it. But every shot came with its setback. The painful withdrawals, the denial of usage, emotional anguish, the damn blame game! Whose fault was it REALLY that we kept gravitating towards each other? Yet I still kept close to my heart those nights when he made me feel…so…damn HIGH. High off his kisses….Such a sucka for kisses and his were always just the right amount of  passionate, deep and soul shaking. High off the way he whispered my name whenever he was sexin’ my brains out. High off the way he held me close to him during the night. DAMN I hate the way he makes me feel but at the same time I LOVE IT. Perhaps I love him…so fuckin’ sue ME. I desire him like I desire to breathe every damn day!

We’ll call him Krave. When we met I can tell you now that this boomerang effect did not exist. I really DID NOT like him. He was cocky, stubborn and egotistical. He had himself together so to speak, so I guess I was supposed to love his big ego..?! Give me a damn break! A man of very few words…..hmmm let me tell it, I guess he spoke to me in other ways. Later we became friends and it was strictly platonic……I never did imagine myself with him. He wasn’t my type. I wasn’t attracted to him. He was just something to do….no pun intended….YET.

But soon late nights at the crib turned into sleep overs. Sleep overs turned into sleepin’ up unders. Those sleepin’ up unders turned into what Tyrese soulfully and seductively coined as ‘Straight Fcukin….no interruptions…at all.’ How did we end up here?! How did the guy I never imagined myself looking twice at manage to have me feeling extra weak  in the knees and emotional for him? Yeah the sex was good but something else had me hooked. I was beginning to fall for him. I never admitted it….I was in denial about it. At one point he claimed to want more and I brushed him off. What did he mean he wanted ‘more’? Wasn’t he satisfied with just this? When my head realized what my heart had been trying to tell me, it was too late. Fast forward more than a couple of years, a plethora of letting bygones be bygones and…..he’s…..back. I’m afraid of letting him course through my veins again although it’s clear that there are remnants of him left….I never fully released myself of this habit. I want that old thing back. I want that familiar sound in my ear. I just…want…HIM….and maybe, just maybe there’s an opportunity for that.  So do I take it? Do I go against everything I’ve ever told myself about men like him? Do I listen to my heart even though the heart is deceitful and wants what it wants?

I’m tempted yall…..I’m Kraving……to be continued….

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~ by Monae on September 24, 2009.

2 Responses to “Monae~He’s My Drug #2”

  1. *Sigh* I definitely know this feeling… Plus the Cocky ones are always the hardest to get out of your system once you let them in.

  2. I’ve learned to just say NO to drugs!

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