Monae~Where’s the Love?

‘Maybe this isn’t love….but if it isn’t love then really what is love. Maybe I don’t even know what’s really love, cause when he’s around he’s got me feelin’ some type of way….’~Vivian Green

My heart doesn’t belong to me. I honestly believe this heart was taken from someone whose belief in love was so strong that it overshadowed any doubt; someone so consistently hopeful despite whatever the situation is at hand. My heart sees what it wants even if what my head may have expressed is plain and simple common sense. I’ve never been able to quite understand why I’m so conflicted about this damn dude…..He’s been in my life off and on for 7 years…’d think he’d fall off like some bad credit! When I think back though, I realize that the majority of my ‘relationships’….yes I’m using that term very loosely, with men have been unhealthy. I’m talkin’ heart cloggin’ damage done. What gives?! Am I doomed to be unlucky in love…consistently searching for the pot of gold in a damn coal mine? I’m blamin’ my damn dad for this sh*t….and by no means do I want to convey that I’m turnin’ to any damn man to find love…nah that’s not the case. I believe that dads who fcuk over women inevitably end up passin’ that bad karma to their daughters. We grow up and meet men like them! Dad….you got some ‘splainin to do!!

I experienced the joys and pains of my first love during the end of my senior year in high school. Keep in mind that I was a VERY late bloomer. I was extremely shy, always into my books, really reserved…basically not the fiesty fire child I am NOW. I had an awkward stage that lasted throughout most of my teenage years…you don’t even want to know how old I was before I got kissed…but I digress….then along came Rashad. He was a football jock who was very popular. He stood tall and athletically thin with adorable light brown eyes. Everyone who was anyone knew Rashad. It was strange how he and I happened because the first time I saw him was on a couple’s picture with some chick from my high school. She was gushing on and on about how he was the love of her life and how they were going to be together forever and a day…right! Fast forward a couple months, I ran into him at a party. We exchanged numbers and there began a 2 year emotional whirlwhind. We dated through my sophomore year of college. We took trips together; we spent holidays together. He left the city that he was in school at and moved to where I was to be closer to me. He met my family and I met his. He bought me jewelry for Christmas (yeah I’m cheesy so what)…damn I loved me some Rashad…and then he started making me sick. He cheated CONSTANTLY(and I found evidence about it); he lied and lied and lied (and I had proof of it). I’d curse him out, we’d break up and then a couple of months later we’d be back together. It was a recurring cycle of absolutely NO GROWTH. I could say he was the first guy to scar me emotionally. It was hard for me to break away: he was the first guy I’d ever loved…he was A LOT of my firsts but eventually (and thankfully) I was finally able to set him free.

Over the years I’d met plenty of guys, but nothing became serious. I had few crushes here, a few kisses there but I still remained single. I had completed undergrad and was in the process of moving back home. I decided to come back a bit earlier to hang out with some friends and catch up with family. While out and about one night, I met Jay. Now to tell you the truth, Jay was kinda funny looking in my opinion! He was very personable though and he made me laugh so I said why not? I gave him the number…and this fool calls the same damn night. I didn’t know who it was when I answered so I asked and he replied, “Yo’ future babydaddy.” STOP THE MUSIC!!! All I could do was laugh. I met Jay on a Thursday night. We hung out EVERYDAY until I had to leave on Monday morning. I actually spent late Sunday night/early Monday morning with him. He was a breath of damn fresh air. We had so much in common and he began to grow on me and I liked it! I had to leave for two weeks to finish completely moving and those were the longest two weeks ever. We talked every night. He sent those sweet ass text messages to me. We couldn’t wait to see each other again and boyyyy when we were reunited….the sparks went CRAZY! I swore I loved his ass on sight! But of course, I never admitted THAT! We decided to be in a relationship and at first, all was well. I spent my New Years Eve with him and *sigh* how perfect was that….he and I became attached at the hip. We were always on dates or spending quality time. His mother, sister and I got along great. This seemed just too good to be true. One day he got hurt on his job and ended up needing to have surgery. The day he went in he was released the same night yet his mom calls me saying he was asking for me. I packed my ‘ish and went to take care of my man. He was up in pain throughout the night and I was up with him. Rubbing him down, holding him, giving him his painkillers knowing good and damn well I had to be up early for work the next day..but so what. I wanted to be there for him….but then slowly I began getting sick…OF HIM.

He began picking fights with me for no reason at all. We would go days without speaking to each other. I’d call and he just would not answer. Any little thing I said, he would twist my words and we’d argue. And then one day, I got a text from him. He was breaking up with me. Through the fine and impersonal art of text messaging. I will never forget THAT DAY. I had just started a new job THAT DAY. I had to hold it together like nothing was wrong on THAT DAY and when I able to leave, I went to my car and cried my heart out. How could he have done this to me? ME?! How the FCUK could he just leave me like that!? Of course I wanted to know why…I was sad and then I became angry. I blew his phone up. I was tempted to do a drive by but I couldn’t bring myself to SNAP like that. So I gave up on it and him….until he called me to come over. I was still weak hearted. I still wanted him so I went. I remember that night like the back of my hand…there was no emotion in what we were doing. I felt nothing anymore. He was fascinated with my Blackberry and decided to have a look at it. So I picked up his phone and did the same…and what I saw allowed me to make the choice to leave his ass alone for good. Text messages to another woman…professing his love for her and telling her how he was glad she was in his life and that he’d help her take care of the kids…KIDS?! I laughed..dropped the phone on the bed and proceeded to get dressed. I asked, “So you’re in love now?”…he gives the typical “Maannnn what ‘chu mean?”. That’s all I needed to hear. That night I walked away and never looked back…

So you see…unhealthy relationships and I have become very well acquainted over the years and I’m trying to break that cycle. I’m tired of my heart being clogged up with globs of hurt. The scar tissue is very prevalent there…as I’ve grown, sometimes I wish I could play like a boy but the girl in me won’t allow that at all…so baby steps guys. Nothing happens overnight.

But until then….that Kraving I mentioned…is about to be fulfilled. Lay ’round for it!

Hey! A girl STILL has to live! *hair flip*

~ by Monae on October 2, 2009.

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