Monae~Time for a Re-fill…

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou

I’m drained….and that’s to say the least. I’m so close to singing that there’s an icebox where my heart used to be. So cold…I’m so cold, I’m so cold, I’m so cold! I wish I could go back in time to when courtships were simple. The time when crumpled up notes got passed asking, “Do you like me? Check YES or NO”. The time when wearing his letterman jacket and/or class ring around your neck meant big things were poppin’! The time when being asked to the Homecoming dance & prom or sitting together on class trips or even receiving Valentine grams in class were the end all be all. Do you remember? I remember a time when simple things like holding hands and long hugs meant SO much. I remember a time when late night phone conversations and parent supervised visits (although deemed SO embarassing lol) were things to look forward to. I remember dates with curfews, good night kisses, & teddy bears won at the Fair. I remember and I miss that. Why does being an adult complicate things? Or are the adults the ones conjuring up the complications? Why can’t we all just take it back to an age of innocence?

 I’d like to think that once we’ve ‘matured’ enough to have meaningful interactions with one another, situations should be black and white. What compels a person to blatantly LIE and think nothing of it? What compels a person to sell you a high definition dream with no intent on making it come true? How is it that the truth can flow so easily for me but for some people it’s like pulling damn teeth with no novocaine! I feel like Teedra Moses right now, “You give and you give but you never seem to get back in return what you give so your heart suffers through third degree burns.” I’ll never in a million years understand that. Long gone are the days of keeping it 100. I’m drained….the mediocrity is for the birds. I need an emotional re-fill. Do you ever wonder how your life would have turned out had you NOT met a certain person? I mean, I understand that there are lessons and reasons and seasons and etc…for why things are the way that they are but still! In my opinion, I honestly think I’d be so much better off if I could ‘un meet’ a few people. I won’t say I regret the day because at one point, I was happy. At one point, I was smiling. At one point, I was satisfied with the way things were. No regrets just lessons learned but I’d quickly give all of that back if it meant I’d never have to encounter some of the traps that life set me up in.

 

 I need this feeling to go away. I don’t want to forever be empty or lacking. I believe I’ve had my fair share of bad cards dealt but I still have an inkling of hope. It’s dim but it’s there. I do become frustrated at times. I feel as though he’ll never find me or that I’m somehow doomed to remain single for the rest of my days. Now that’s SCARY as hell! Damn what gives? Are my standards too high? Do I expect too much? I’m not THAT hard to please…I don’t think. I guess light skin really is NOT in! And I’m SICK as fcuk of the cliche responses too. Especially from a bish that’s already boo’ed up! “Oh he’s coming. Don’t you worry.” “When the time is right, you’ll get yours.” “You just hold on now. Your time is close.” “When it’s your season, you’ll know it.” *rolls eyes* Could someone please shut them the hell up? Did you want to hear that when you were single? I don’t think so! I’m not one to settle so I’ll wait for what is right but at the same time, your words are not exactly comforting either. Where’s MY knight in shining armor? The one who will take me as I am and love me flaws and all? The one who will understand my worth and appreciate the role I play in his life. The one who isn’t afraid to be honest with me AT ALL TIMES. The one who isn’t afraid to allow his feelings to take over. The one with good character. The one who can agree to disagree with me. The one who takes a genuine interest in my life. The one who’ll catch me before I can fall. I don’t want to be his trip…I’d rather us take that journey. TOGETHER. I know he’s out there….I just have no idea where. He’s knocking on all the wrong doors….he’s encountering all the wrong people. He’s making this harder than it has to be. He may have experienced the same hurts as I…he may be feeling like he’s at the end of his rope. Hold on though…you’re almost there.

I’m here….I’m waiting…..

 

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~ by Monae on October 21, 2009.

6 Responses to “Monae~Time for a Re-fill…”

  1. *wipes a tear*

    Yeah girl.
    *sniffle*
    I feel you.

  2. BEDDA YET, GOD IS GONNA BRING U A MAN THEY LOVE SAYING THAT I’M BOUT 2 PISS U OFF…JUS WAIT, BE PATIENT..HE’LL COME WHEN U LEAST EXPECT IT…LMFAO

  3. Let God do His work. Be patient and prayerful. *sings* God’s gonna do everything He promised!!!!

    (sorry)

    But then all the decent guys are either married, gay, or in a bad relationship, or SCORNED like Miguel’s ass!

    *throws glass dishes into wall*

  4. Awww boo! And please don’t forget that most famous line of all, “As soon as you stop looking, he’ll come.” SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I look, I don’t look…he still ain’t here! And CHUUUUCH on wishin you could “un meet” a few people. I WISH TOO!!!

  5. Hey I don’t know you, but I just want to say from reading your blog the common denominator in all your failing relationships seem to be you. At one time in my life I was dealing with doggish man after doggish man, but then I realized I was inviting that into my life. Men only treat you as bad as you allow. You keep letting yourself get played so you get played. Practice some law of attraction and think about the kind of man you want, not the kind you don’t want, because that’s what you keep getting. Stop settling and stop listening to people that back up your delusional thoughts. I don’t know you so i can tell you it’s you. You need to be mad at yourself for getting messed over and over again by the same people. Trust me there are decent guys out there and when you are ready, which I don’t think you are, he will come along. Best of luck to you. You are an excellent writer, I’m addicited to your blog, you have a reader until you stop writing.

  6. You ladies are crazy! LOL…

    To Tiffany: Thanks for reading along. We appreciate the feedback. Now in response to you~If we didn’t have these experiences, we wouldn’t know what to demand from a man in the next go ’round. Who has a perfect love life? No one. This blog is titled, “Single, How Dreadful”. It’s compiled of stories by single women detailing their dating failures. Every post isn’t going to be great. Every ending won’t be a fairy tale. I don’t believe you read the intro because if you did, you’d notice that my journey isn’t the only one that has its flaws. How do you learn to ride a bike? It takes practice. Babies aren’t born knowing how to walk. They fall, they scrape themselves up, they are knocked down. But they keep getting back up until they’ve gotten it. Same as dealing with relationships. The ride won’t be smooth. You’re going to run into bumps along the way…..one thing you do have right is that YOU DON’T KNOW ME. You don’t know what my journey is about. You’ve formed your own opinion through the words of a blog. You may as well be reading a book. I know that there are decent guys out there. That’s my ray of hope. My mindframe isn’t set to think that all men are worthless. I think about the kind of man I want all the time. I write about how I envision him to be. Delusional thoughts? So I’m assuming that thinking of where the path may lead with someone or thinking about why they act the way that they do with you must be delusional. I’m also going to guess that thinking about how to finally get the strength to leave a situation must be delusional as well. I may ask for advice from people who supposedly ‘back up my delusional thoughts’ but in the end, I’m still going to do what I want. No one can live my life for me. You said a lot in your response but it sounds so cliche and appears to just go in circles. Everyone is entitled to an opinion though and in this instance, I’m going to have to agree to disagree.

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