Monae~Make Some Room

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I replayed Khoury’s message one more time as I headed back upstairs to my room….this was now the 3rd time I had listened to it. Don’t judge me! I like to analyze. Immediately my thoughts began to run rampant…”Why is he so eager?!” “Hmmm, I don’t know about this…there has to be a catch.” “Do I HAVE to go to his house already? What if this is a set-up?!” UGH! I had to take a mental time out…and re-group. This is what happens when a woman senses that there could possibly be something good waiting to come out of a situation but lessons, trials & experiences from her past causes her to unnecessarily overreact like I did. I have to learn how to go in having no expectations…and to allow myself to have fun. Oh how easier said than done that is! I fell back onto the bed and tossed my Blackberry into the rest of the junk that had spilled out of my purse. Frustratingly shaking my head, I found myself contemplating not returning his call. The rush I felt had seemingly flatlined once I convinced myself that his intentions weren’t any different….

Why couldn’t I snap out of that mindframe?! Would I ever be able to fully let go of my prior hurts so that I wouldn’t always be so suspicious of another man’s interest? Who invented broken hearts and sad emotions anyway? I refuse to isolate myself from reality but at the same time how do I protect myself from pain? Ha! That would be too much like right. I turned my head towards to window to see the moon had already made its appearance in the sky. This daylight saving is a b*tch sometimes! It makes me feel as though I should be asleep at 7 pm! My room would’ve been pitch black had it not been for the glare off my laptop screen….and then the tears fell…from the sky that is. I softly laughed and tried not to think wayward thoughts…geeez if I didn’t get it together, this was going to be a loooong  night! I reached for my Blackberry and stared at the screen….if I called now, my reasoning would NOT be that of an innocent nature. Was I really trying to jeopardize this before it could even turn into “this”?!? An idle mind is the devil’s workshop…*PING!* I snapped out of my visual….*PING!*…saved by the bell but who the hell was sending me an instant message online?

When I checked, I saw it was my brother up to his usual comedic antics! Funny how he popped up just as I was thinking of….hmphf! I guess he’s just trying to protect his big sister in ALL aspects! Even through sibling sensing…I swear he knows me too well! We began catching each other up on our lives. He’s away at school and I, in the adult world of work. I still worry about him as though he were my child….whether he’s eating correctly and taking care of himself or getting to class on time and making good grades. He always tries to blow me off as though he doesn’t like me in his business…”Dang, Mo! I’m not the baby brother in the diapers anymore. I got this!” he wrote and I felt like shouting back at the screen how many times ‘I got this’ turned into, “Mo could I borrow? Mo I need your help with… Mo, what should I do about..” That’s a younger brother for ya! Never the one to beat around the bush he then flat out asked me, “So what’s the problem now? Your baby brother still knows when his sis isn’t her usual self. Do I need to break out the gun?” He always knows what to say to make me laugh. I love our relationship. He knows about every heartbreak, every let down and every setback. I informed him about Khoury’s re-appearance and the dilemma I had with my feelings.

He didn’t respond for awhile until finally he sent “SMH”. He also knows how to get underneath my skin! “Ok so what’s the problem now?” I asked. “Nothing Mo…you know what you need to do.” Hold up! Was my brother trying to check ME?! Who the hell did he think he was? “Alright, I’m logging off.” I wrote him. Apparently he knew I was getting aggravated. “See Mo…that’s it. You’re always running. Stop trying to avoid the inevitable. There’s nothing you can possibly have against dude and look at you already conjuring up some mess.” “How the hell…..” “No you need to listen to me. Every man isn’t out to get over on you…and as much as you’ve been hurt you’ve gotta believe that. Make some room in your life for something real Mo. And this is comin’ from a man!” I just stared blankly at the screen and tears began to form in my eyes….I don’t know why I was crying. All I could think though was here my baby brother was…giving ME advice about my love life. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? “Just meditate on that Mo…I got practice so I gotta go. Love ya.”

I logged off, quickly wiped my eyes and just let the words sink in….was that the case? Is my heart so cluttered with baggage that there was literally no room left for something new? Was I so afraid of stepping outside the box that I refused to unpack the hurt? My new mantra: I will expect nothing and enjoy everything. I picked up my Blackberry again, scrolled to the call log and dialed….

“Yo…” he answered sleepily.

“Hey……..Khoury. It’s Mo..”

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~ by Monae on November 5, 2009.

3 Responses to “Monae~Make Some Room”

  1. Setting your mind and heart free is easier said than done. Your little brother is right. He sounds smart. Tell him to call me 🙂

  2. My younger brother (19) gives me advice all the time. It’s him showing his concern and wanting the best for me. Take heed…

  3. Ha! No ma’am you will NOT corrupt the baby brother. The chick he marries is going to catch hell from me if she isn’t up to par.

    @LionsVictory It just seems so weird now that we’ve grown up. I’m still getting used to the man he has become.

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