“Cursed” – Veronica #9

I felt it would be best for me to pretend as if the dinner situation never happened. I had a lot going on with work, plus my mom and cousins from NJ came to visit for a 4-day weekend. I convinced myself that either Miguel was testing me (as most men enjoy giving tests to women) or he was trying to find a reason to stop seeing me. It may have been a little of both. We didn’t speak for a month and I accepted that our friendship was over.

I began seeing someone else anyway, someone from left field. Malik was a regular dude from the Bronx. 6’4, chocolate skin, slim build, soft brown eyes with bushy eyebrows, and a killer smile. He came to my apartment every now and then, and it was cool. We would sit on my rooftop as I watched him smoke cigarettes, usually talking about our childhood. We were so different but truly enjoyed each other’s company. He’d come straight from the projects (literally) and I was the product of a two-parent household and college graduate of a top tiered university. He was a common laborer who didn’t really talk about his goals and ambitions, but you could tell he was a smart and passionate guy.

RJ and I continued to talk occasionally, usually sending picture mail. One day I got a little curious and I logged onto myspace for the first time since college. I went to his page where his headline read,”Can’t Wait for my New Bundle of Joy.” He clearly wasn’t referring to his WII. I sent him a text, asking what was going on…he said “nah, not what you think.” I dropped it. I won’t keep asking over and over again if I already know that you’re lying. He’d gotten his ex-girlfriend pregnant. Melanie, Derwin, and Janay I swear! I scrolled down to the comments, and I saw his ex left a .gif of a glittery “i love you” back when they were together. I clicked on her profile and she was indeed fat and pregnant in her recently updated profile pic. I logged off the computer completely and went to bed.

Two weeks later she posted a pic of the baby and his full name, including RJ’s last name. I sent RJ a text saying “Congratulations” and he didn’t respond until a few hours later. He said he was afraid to tell me about it because of what he’d told me many moons ago. Three years ago we laid in bed discussing our future, and he said that he always felt like we’d be married and have kids one day. I now remember him telling me that he wanted me to have his kids and build a future. I replayed that memory to him, and he said that he was embarrassed that he’d gotten his ex pregnant…especially since he had no feelings toward her. She got pregnant the week that they’d split so he was confident that the baby was his. As long as he loved his child, I didn’t care. Still no reason for him to play dumb when I initially asked. That damn woman’s intuition.

Surprisingly I wasn’t upset. I guess I was learning how to numb myself from all emotion. Malik came over that night and we had sex for the first time. I may have been numb from emotion, but I was definitely not numb to the pain! Here comes Malik and his 11inches, destroying my 24yr old uterus. It was terrible…and at that point I realized that I actually missed Miguel. I only remembered pleasure when I thought about Miguel. I connected with Miguel on so many levels and it was difficult to let go. I was fooling myself in thinking that he could easily be replaced, but I wasn’t being honest with myself.

I managed to sleep peacefully through the night as Malik cuddled with me, despite the pain of having a mangled uterus…..but I woke up angry and confused. I screamed and cursed through traffic for about an hour, then sat on the counter in the work bathroom for a good 15 minutes. I had to get myself together and accept that Miguel no longer wanted me around, and that was hard to do.

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~ by A. Nicole on November 25, 2009.

2 Responses to ““Cursed” – Veronica #9”

  1. …::SMH:…this is why I choose not to deal with men who have kids. Babydaddies DISGUST me…(bad experiences) maybe that will change later in life or maybe it’s just me but I’m selfish! I guess I haven’t met a father worth my time or effort. I’d like to experience that phase of life FOR THE FIRST TIME with the man I end up with. I don’t want any priors! (Prior babymamas UGH!) RJ could’ve been straight up about it…damn what’s so hard about keeping it 100 these days!? Even though a woman’s intuition is dead on, we’d still appreciate the honesty without having to come up with it ourselves! Now Mr. Miguel…I wonder what colorful story he has to tell because I know his part in the chapter isn’t over! SN: I hate you and these smash stories….maybe Khoury will let me rape him. Ha!

  2. girl you dont want no parts of $5 footlong, not even in a drought!! *cringe*

    oh Miguel is nowhere near finished i have about 5 more posts about the Latin Lovah!

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