Monae~Striking Out

I started pacing the floor.  My heart rate had doubled and I began chewing on my fingernails. Khoury would be here in less than 30 minutes. It hadn’t quite sunk in that I’d overriden my initial doubt and ended up allowing him to come see me any damn way! After all that fuss I made about him wanting to hang out so soon and now look at me…..I’m a mess right now! What had this dude done to me? I’m convinced he worked some roots….seriously! Don’t laugh guys! This is all happening way too fast. I peeped out of my window just in case. I swear my senses were on overdrive. I flopped down on my bed and suddenly jumped back up. I should AT LEAST look presentable right!?! When I’d taken my shower earlier, I intended on laying in bed in the dark until my eyes closed…clearly not the plan anymore! I started to ransack my closet and woke up my sleeping baby in the process. Apollo mean mugged me and ran to hide underneath my bed. I know I didn’t have enough time to piece together an ensemble that would say “sexy but relaxed” but I needed to do something with myself. I finally stopped in my tracks….and took a deep breath. There’s no reason why I should be this frenzied. I changed out of my tank and boyshorts and slipped into a simple but form fitting maxi dress, spritzed on my favorite scent “Daisy by Marc Jacobs” ……wait, I wasn’t trying too hard…was I? Oh well, it was too late to be second guessing!

I headed downstairs to listen out. The knots and twists in my stomach had now returned. Ugh! What gives!? I checked the time on my Blackberry and twenty minutes had gone by. I was sitting on the couch with my right knee bouncing nervously. Did I give him good enough directions? What if he ended up just going back to sleep? I mean I did wake him up….is he REALLY coming to my house? So many thoughts were going through my head and then…. “A part of me wants to leave…but the other side still believes. And it kills me…” My Melanie Fiona ringtone….the front gate was calling. My heart dropped…..he’s actually here. “A part of me wants to leave…but” I answered the call and pressed the pound button to let him in. I kept checking myself out in the mirror…making sure everything was in place. I was studying a spot on my face and realized I’d forgotten gloss. I turned to go back upstairs but there was a knock at the door. My heart rate sped up and I stood frozen in one spot. “Get it together Mo…you got this! Besides…it’s JUST Khoury!” I finally willed my legs to head towards the door. I peeked out the blinds just to make sure and secretly smiled at the sight of him…..my eyes saw this….

Of course it was my mind playing tricks on me…..picturing him standing without his shirt….I swear I needed to end this drought STAT! I opened the door and there he stood with a grin and his head tilted like he knew what I was thinking. He had on a cap over his dreads, a wife beater, gray sweats and some ol’ exclusive lookin’ ass Jordans….so casual and here I was looking EXTRA! “Well are you going to let me in Mo or do you feel safer out here?” “Khoury don’t get slick with me! You can come in.” As he walked past me, I was so indulged in the faint scent of his cologne….Dolce and Gabbana. I knew my favorites. I swear there was going to be a puddle on the floor if I didn’t pull myself together. “It’s so neat in here….I’m scared to look at anything. You have good taste though.” he said as he gave himself a walk through. He seemed so comfortable and I just didn’t get why I was so on edge. I sat on the rim of my couch and watched him as he made his way through my place as though he’d been there before. Honestly this was the first time in a long time that I’d had any male company to the house. I guess he could consider himself “special”….after all, he conned his way here. Yeah, yeah I know I’m lying! I let him come! Damn who would’ve ever thought?! This COULD be the start of something nice…if I let it be. It couldn’t hurt right?

I was thrown out of my thoughts by him invading my personal space. I cracked this big ass kool-aid smile and got up to walk away. I couldn’t deal with him being that close to me. “What’s wrong Mo? Why’d you move?” I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly, “No reason.” He looked at me and smiled slightly, “No reason but you’re halfway across the room?” I continued to stare at him and involuntarily rolled my eyes. “Dang it’s like THAT too? You gettin’ chilly on me? What happened to the girl I talked to on the phone before I got here? Is she still upstairs on the floor waiting for me to come rescue her?” and he laughed at me AGAIN! He started to really try my patience. I sucked my teeth at him..”Khoury are you really going to keep bringin’ that up? I mean come on?!” “Chill man….I’m just joking with you….laugh a little. Am I that bad?” I smirked at him, picked up my Blackberry and started nervously scrolling through nothing. “Monae….talk to me. Why are you so standoffish? You don’t want me here anymore?” “Khoury, it’s not that….it’s just…” “It’s just what then? I can’t peek inside that pretty head of yours and see what’s going on.” I know my ‘tude was turned on one hundred thousand million but I couldn’t help it! Or could I?! Either way I felt as though I needed to build up a wall so he couldn’t get close and it was showing clear as day. How could I change this? I didn’t want him to be scared off….geez man. Next thing I knew, he was taking my Blackberry out of my hand and trying to pull me up from the chair. I pulled my hand back and grabbed for my phone again. He cocked his head at me and gave me a look like, “You’re joking right?” I blew out an exasperated breath and began nervously bouncing my right leg. How could I snap out of this?! “Ok Mo…it’s cool. You good.” He began to walk to the door. In my head I’m screaming, “No Khoury you don’t have to leave. I swear this has nothing to do with you.” but my lips wouldn’t move. “Are you going to come lock your door behind me? I wouldn’t want anyone to run up in here on you.” he snapped me out of my distant daydream. I reluctantly got out of my chair to meet him. “Monae look….I don’t know what happened here. You just turned into a different person all of a sudden…but this is me though. Whatever you’re thinking, STOP IT.” I felt kind of ashamed that I treated him that way. I was all set to just pull him back towards the living room. “I’m glad you let me come see you though…maybe next time…if there’s a next time, you’ll REALLY let me in.” As he let himself out, everything in me wanted to just be like, “Please stay with me!” but my foolish pride let him walk. He stopped midway and I thought maybe he had a change of heart. “I really wanted to hug you….just hold you close to me but I know it would be half-hearted right now coming from you and that’s not how I want you to feel about me….let me know when you’re ready for me.” and with that, he got into his car and drove away. I slowly closed and locked my door. DAMN! Did I really strike out with him?! I promise that’s not how I wanted to come across as….damn sometimes I hated this attitude! Ugh…when would I ever learn……I hope it’s not too late =(

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~ by Monae on November 30, 2009.

One Response to “Monae~Striking Out”

  1. hmmm yea Veronica would’ve been naked when he walked in…..just sayin

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