“Emotional Rollercoaster” – Veronica #11


I sat and stared at the wall for a good 15 minutes before I replied, “On my way.”

I hated seeming so desperate to see him. I wasn’t, but I did always feel some sort of anticipation. I knew exactly why I was going over there, and that was fine. Malik kinda fell off the earth so I’d pretty much been alone for over 2 months. Once again, I was returning to that familiar space with Miguel because I knew we could give each other what we needed. Clearly Miguel knew what time it was, also.

When I got to his apartment, the lights were dim. I saw a bottle of wine in the kitchen next to two wine glasses. I could feel his eyes roaming my body as I walked over to the couch. Instead of sitting beside me, he sat in the adjacent chair. As usual, I cracked a few jokes to lighten the mood. Miguel turned to one of my favorite shows, “Gangland” and we sat in silence for the majority of the show.

Miguel went to the kitchen and brought back those two glasses of wine. I downed mine for no reason, maybe I was trying to speed things up. After we finished the bottle, he sat next to me, showing me drawings of a new tattoo he wanted. I love tattoos on a man, and I think he knew it was a turn-on because I had already seen this book before. Miguel stood up and looked at me. He then pulled me up from the couch and carried me to the bedroom. My heart was stuck in my throat. I allowed him to take my clothes off. The passion in his touch and his kisses told a different story as to why I was here.

5 hours later I was spent, somewhat emotionally as well. This routine was tired. He was tired. While he slept I took my shower. He woke up when I got out the bathroom and watched me get dressed for work. I didn’t say much when I left, I just said that I would call him later. I had no intention of calling him anytime soon.

I was irritated by him suddenly. I took a break from men all together-no Malik, No Miguel, and no RJ. I was moody and I didn’t want to be around anyone, even my friends. I knew all along that Miguel and I were wrong but he gave me the impression that things were falling into place….But I was angry at myself. I missed him and I pretended like I didn’t at times. I wanted to tell him how I hated him for playing with my feelings, but I knew he wouldn’t take responsibility. Maybe all of this really was my fault.

I doubt anyone likes for others to toy with their feelings. It’s fine if you’re open and honest in the beginning about not wanting a relationship, but it becomes an issue when your words and actions from then on continue to say something different. Perhaps a part of me is upset that I let my guard down and allowed him to get inside my head and my feelings. Veronica was happy with the sex and friendship, but it became confusing once he began revealing his feelings. Miguel may not have been intentionally playing with my head, because it’s obvious he had no idea what he’s done. I’m going to miss him. I’m going to miss us, but I look forward to putting up that brick wall that should have never left. Another lesson learned….

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~ by A. Nicole on December 8, 2009.

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