Jayde – Hate That I Love You – Post #4

I’ve been doing the “dating”, “talking” thing and that hasn’t given me the assurance I’ve needed.  I went so far as to try an on-line dating website.  I wanted to meet people for dates without actually having to involve myself with them.  I’m not sure if I’m explaining it right.  I hate talking to a guy and pretending to care about his life, thoughts or beliefs.  With the on-line dating it was all superficial and based on your picture.  The guy would comment on your beauty and ask you out for a date.  With-in five hours of being on there I was asked out to dinner.  It was just what I wanted but I declined.  It’s amazing how we tend to ask for things and when we get it we change our minds.  I wanted to go on the date but I was afraid.  I was afraid of falling out of love with Adrian, the liar, the cheater and the heart breaker.

I am deeply in love with this man and don’t know how to get over it.  I thought dating would help but it seems to be pushing me closer to him instead.

I decided to stay on the dating site and try and be more open.  I found one guy who I was actually interested in but in the end he was a bore.  I have a difficult time attaching myself to men as far as caring about what comes out of their mouth.  I’ve been called a rude ass, b****, and all the above and now I’m beginning to realize I have those tendencies.  I guess they can feel my (not interested vibe).

He became a stalker and I had to delete my account and block his number from calling my phone.  I can’t handle crazy!

During the time I was doing the on-line dating I was rekindling an old flame.  I believed it was better to go back to someone who was able to keep my attention than trying to find someone new.  Stanley and I met in 2008 when my chapter attended BCU’s homecoming.  Adrian and I were on our “off” break and I was taking full advantage.  Stanley and I had hung out all day drinking and chilling at the BBQ.  Later that night we attended one of the homecoming after parties and after a couple drinks I was an open book.  When I first meet a guy I don’t usually listen to their life story because honestly I could care less.  With the alcohol in my system I listened and actually enjoyed the conversation.  We ended our night walking on Daytona Beach at 3am.  We spent the entire morning on the beach just talking till the sun came up…it was like a scene out of a movie.

Stanley lived in Atlanta and asked me to visit him.  I had never been and was decided to take him up on his offer.  It was the perfect weekend.  He treated me like a queen and I didn’t feel pressured to give him the goodies.  We spent three wonderful nights together, without sex, and I still enjoyed myself.  It was then I realized that I can actually enjoy being with someone and not getting my brains f***ed out every night.  After about two months of semi-dating I cut it off with Stanley and went back to Adrian, I was addicted to him.  My ties to Adrian were so strong, even when a good man came along I couldn’t seem to leave.  Here was the MAN I’ve been wanting and I couldn’t leave the boy of my past.

Stanley and I remained friends and spoke often.  He knew the situation with Adrian being locked up and saw his opportunity to have a second chance.  His timing IS perfect.  He came and spent a weekend with me and hit a nerve, a good nerve.  I’ve made plans to take a trip up to Atlanta for his birthday, which just happens to be Valentine’s Day.

Now the issue arises; Adrian also asked me to come to the prison for the Valentine’s Day weekend also.  I haven’t seen him since October and I’ve flaked out twice.  I really want to visit Stanley but I really want to see Adrian.  I honestly feel like I may be using Stanley to replace Adrian until he is released.  In the end I believe I’ll end up with Adrian, unfortunately.  *sigh*

~ by engagedtothesystem on January 13, 2010.

4 Responses to “Jayde – Hate That I Love You – Post #4”

  1. Let it go Boo
    Let it go

    Go visit dude in ATL….
    Stop taking jail bait’s phone calls
    cut him off totally
    if you still communicate with him you wont have time to heal….
    LET IT GO..*i know easier said than done*

    Visit Dude have fun forget the lil boy

  2. Yea it is easier said than done. I’m thinking about ATL and maybe the prison another week….we’ll see when V-day comes

  3. Go to ATL!!!!!! From experience, things are never gonna work with Adrian. As much as you want it to, it’s not going to work because there is something holding one or both of you back from making that commitment. Go to ATL!! A recommended read to help you get over Adrian….”Ex-Free: 9 Keys to Freedom After Heartbreak” by Troy Byer. It helped me out alot!

  4. Thanks for the book recommendation!

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