Monae~Caught Up In The Feeling

I went from no options to having two men vying for my attention…and I was indulging in every ounce of this adoration. The flowers….sent to my office….from Maurice. I happened to mention where I worked in a conversation. He took it upon himself to google the address and….well you see the fruits of that labor. I was indeed shocked and intrigued. I couldn’t remember the last time a man went out of his way to impress me like this….especially since he was under no obligation to do any of it. We stayed in constant contact. Blackberry messenger, emails, phone calls during the day, late night Skype…….we just couldn’t seem to get enough of each other. It was as if we had picked right up where we left off…..something I was fighting so hard to avoid while conversing with him at the NYE Party. I felt like opening up that part of my life again would not be fair to Khoury…..my boo Khoury. I hadn’t mentioned the offer for me to visit NC to him. Hell, I was still on the fence about it myself! Ninety percent of me wanted to go, get the curiousity out of my system and come back to Khoury fully ready to devote all my attention to him. Do I sound selfish? I started to sense that he knew something was up though.

When he brought me back to my house on New Year’s Day, he wouldn’t let my hand go the whole drive. Are we mushy this early in the day? I’m not used to the PDA! I caught him staring at me a few times out of the corner of my eye. Soon he started asking questions about “that dude” he saw me speaking with the latter part of the night. I didn’t even know that he noticed! Boy I tell you, there are eyes everywhere! I didn’t go into much detail about Maurice. I already felt slightly guilty as it is. As days passed he began extending invites for me to come ‘keep him company’ more and more. “Mo….I like sleeping with you next to me.” “Mo, come over when you get off work.” “Mo, let’s go get drinks and chill.” Now by no means was I complaining! I loved spending time with him just as much as he liked being with me. I sensed a change between us…a good change yet I wasn’t sure if I was ready to openly acknowledge it.We often just laid up under each other cuddling. Each time, his  hold around me getting tighter as to say: I’m not trying to let you go…from my life…again!

                     

So who do I choose?  Maurice, the corporate charmer who has, in this very short time span, shown me that actions indeed speak louder than words. He has been consistent in his long distance courtship and speaks of “US” in the longterm…..like he intends to pursue whatever it is between he and I. That gives me chills when I think about it. He’s driven, he’s financially stable, he’s got a great career, he’s handsome and he wants ME. Sometimes I wonder if it’s too good to be true. Yet my heart smiles at any hint of Khoury, my Superman. It’s strange because he honestly appears to know Monae….the girl who has been hurt, the girl who at times can be bitter, the girl who swore off love, the girl who lashes out and projects pain onto anyone in the way and he accepts me…flaws and all. He doesn’t speak of being different than the rest. His words, the way he looks at me, moments alone when I swear my soul speaks to me….pushes me to let him in…this all tells me that he’s special. I connect with him in a way I’ve never experienced…….and he’s not even my man! He hasn’t even got the draws yet! Can you imagine when……….

I weighed the options…..I went back and forth in my head about whom my loyalty should be to….why it was so hard for me to remember that I was still technically a single woman was beyond me. Nonetheless my curiousity consumed my logic…..I have one life to live. So as I sit here in the airport, bags checked, blogging from my laptop, waiting to board the flight, my nerves are definitely shot. I figure it to be a mixture of nervousness, anxiety, excitement…..who knows what Maurice has in store. He spoke of how excited he was that I accepted the offer to visit and claims to have much to show and  tell. For the past week and a half, I tried not to give myself a personal guilt trip about Khoury…..I’m trying hard to not think of him but that is impossible. Am I wrong for not telling him the whole truth? He knows I’m going out of town….he even dropped me off to the airport. Two men and Mo is in the middle. I remember a time when I only dreamed of having my pick and now that I do, my emotions are so mixed….I really need to get it together. I’m off! I’m going to have fun….and whatever happens, happens. Gosh I need a drink…

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~ by Monae on January 13, 2010.

2 Responses to “Monae~Caught Up In The Feeling”

  1. I need a drink just from reading this!

    Wow, two seemingly great guys. What to do, what to do……

  2. It’s good to have a choice of good men. I’d say you’re free to spend time with both without feeling guilty because you’re not committed to either one…yet.

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