Corey, Post #5: Computer Love

Ladies and Gents, we left off with me being stuck on the phone with my best friend, Angie the wine-o explaining to me how I basically have no choice- to date or a fate worse than death, which would be allowing Angie to throw me to the foul Swamp-Donkeys that always seemed to be licking their chops at me when I’d hang out with her friends in Orlando. You laugh, but you know you have a friend right now that’s tried to hook you up with Mr. or Miss “Nice Personality.”

Behold, a Swamp Donkey= Angies Choices for me.

But the alternative to me was like a really bad game of truth or dare. Take the ugly girls that Angie chills with, or the following:

“Corey, you have to go on a date with someone from MySpace.”

My Space? You Gotta be Kidding!

My Space? Ridiculous. Granted, this was before My Space was entirely like Black Planet. But considering the alternative, I knew I had no choice. So, as Angie mixed her next random drink, I was perusing MySpace, scared to death of what I was gonna find. I mean, seriously? What do you think when you think of internet dating?

  1. The Person sure as hell does not look like their picture.
  2. The Muh-Fucka is crazy as hell.
  3. The Muh-Fucka is crazy as hell and a killer.

So I got onto the MySpace Search Engine and put in my zip code, which tossed about a kajillion pictures. From there, I checked some of the boxes in the filter screen.

Age? Check. Drinks? Check. Single? CHECK. And then came the next box I had never experienced as a single parent: With Kids, Check.

This time, I wanted to be able to be with someone that understood what I’ve been going through, even though Elijah was currently with his mom up in Dallas.

Submit. Eleven Names Pop up.

To ensure that I made the quota that Angie set for me, I selected three women and decided to send them a message. I tried my best to make it honest, and not like I was crazy or a stalker.

“Hi, I’m Corey. I just got out of a relationship a few months ago and so I really haven’t dated much. I saw that you were interested in dating. Well heres a few things about me…I hope that you write back and maybe we can talk a little bit. –Corey-“

Yeah, that shit sounded either lame as hell or like a molester. I swear women were going to think that I was trying to lure them into my car with a lollipop. But believe it or not, it worked. Niah sent me a message back. “Hi Corey, the message you sent me was really sincere. I appreciate you not sending a picture of your penis to me. We should keep messaging each other!”

I was a bit nervous. Angie told me that I was supposed to try this shit. She didn’t say she actually believed it would work.

So we started firing off questions back in forth. My first question was if she was married. She laughed and told me no, she was divorced. Thank God. We kept exchanging pleasantries and MySpace messages turned into IMs. I grew some balls and eventually asked for her number. Her voice was like Chardonnay… very sweet and light, with a hint of child at heart. And she had to be a child at heart because Niah had two sons from her marriage, which was a rough one. She almost couldn’t say her Ex’s name without barfing, and admired the fact that Cassandra and I didn’t hate each other. She sounded so sweet, I hoped that her looks matched those on her profile page. Eventually she told me where she worked, and at that point it was almost scary. She was a bank teller manager at the Wachovia behind my house. What were the chances? I told her that I’d drop by and make a deposit while she worked the next day so that she could see that I looked like my pictures, and she agreed. But now I was nervous. Just like every other one of my dating situations, Murphy’s law is gonna have to rear its ugly head.

I hope she's as sweet as she sounds...

I put on a button up Kenneth Cole shirt and a pair of loafers like I was heading to a bar. Go figure, a blind date at a damned bank, right? I walked in and started filling out my deposit slip. I surveyed the bank akin to a lifeguard looking for danger, and saw nothing. Not a single person that even appeared to look like Niah. I walked out of the bank, slightly disappointed that I didn’t see her. Frankly, I was actually hurt. I started to trust someone, and I played again. Who gets stood up at someone’s Job?

“COREY! Wait!”

I turned around, and she was moving in slow motion. Running through a field of flowers, arms outstretched, Just like the cartoon montages we saw as kids. Niah had to be the goddess of sincerity and beauty. Her hazel eyes exuded the true meaning of honesty. What made her more beautiful is that she was naturally beautiful. She was in a Wachovia Polo and some business slacks and they did her no justice. Her hair had to be down to the small of her back, but she had it in a bun to remain business casual. I balked a little bit because she was actually lighter complexioned than I, which was extremely abnormal. I was a bit scared after my last snafu with Clara- Miss “Lightskinned Babies.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t come out to see you while you were in the building. I was walking out eating a sandwich, and you were looking…so…wow. Corey, you really do your pictures justice!” And then she touched my hand.

I sounded like the bastard son of Porky Pig and Elmer Fudd. “Umm, well, I was hoping you’d see me. And where is this attractive brotha you continue to talk about, because you aren’t talking about me.” I was then, at that point attempting to discreetly maneuver my short sword away from Niah, so I wouldn’t stab her as she kept walking closer. I prayed that she wouldn’t notice.

I was Norbit nervous when I saw her.

So here we were. A girl who almost died choking on a sandwich because she saw me, and me trying to maneuver a boner away from her so I didn’t embarrass myself. We clearly had a physical attraction for each other, but was there going to be substance?

“Niah, I’d love to take you to lunch next week. No sandwiches by the way.” She laughed. “Sure Corey. Id love to.” As she walked away, I remained in shock. All this shit I talked about internet dating, and I think I’ve found a good one.


~ by dtony1 on January 20, 2010.

3 Responses to “Corey, Post #5: Computer Love”

  1. ok first of all i’m mad at the Norbit picture…….secondly, i’m mad at ur “short sword.” thirdly, Niah sounds like a nice girl….so we’re going to cross our fingers

  2. That Swamp Donkey pic is SOOOO WRONG!!!! LOL Do guys really talk like this?

  3. awww how cute u guys like each other… but Myspace…really?

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