Monae~Never Say Never

I sat at the red light deep in thought. Now I fully understood the slogan, “Never say never”….I just didn’t imagine myself a future poster child! Soon enough I heard car horns blowing incessantly behind me and was snapped out of my far away place. I threw my middle finger up and still took my time pulling off. I can’t stand impatient ass drivers! I drove aimlessly with no designated ending place. I didn’t want to go home to an empty house. My Blackberry was turned off because I didn’t feel like being bothered with people….I think I’m depressed. FUCK YOU ClearBlue! Who the hell came up with these in your face, bold as day pregnancy tests anyway?? Whoever it was can kiss my ass! Oh yeah, by the way, I’m pregnant. Monae is fuckin’ pregnant. Shit! This was not supposed to happen to me! I thought I was more careful…I always checked to make sure he was strapped….I’m pregnant?? That’s a curse word! I can’t try to ignore the fact anymore especially since the doctor confirmed it at my appointment this morning. My mind blanked out when her cheery ass came back congratulating me. I swear I wanted to get my things and walk out of there. She had me mistaken…..but then I realized I was just in denial.

What happened to my fairy tale wedding….my bling BLAOW ring….my husband and our house? I could just scream right now because of how frustrated I am with myself….I’m even mad at Maurice’s ass. I can literally feel the steam building up in my ears….there’s a thin line between love and anger! I mean yeah I’m glad a man like him finally came into my life and I look forward to whatever is in the stars for us but damn, I would have never predicted a baby….not yet. Not now. I sighed deeply and rolled my eyes.  I can’t be mad at anyone but myself for this one. I ended up driving back home. Once I was all settled, I reluctantly powered on my Blackberry and stared at the screen as all sorts of message notifications came through. My stomach began to growl and I realized I hadn’t eaten since earlier that day….am I hungry or is the baby hungry?! I don’t want to eat for two and lose my shape….does that sound selfish? I put my head in my hands and began to cry uncontrollably. This isn’t fair man…I’m not ready to be someone’s mother.

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I wonder how Maurice would take this news…..I’ve never seen him interact with kids. We’ve talked about children in the long run but it wasn’t conversation that involved what we would do if I got pregnant the next day! Maurice, a father? Monae, some child’s mother? Is the world coming to an end? I want to wake up from this dream now. Pinch me please, I’ve had enough! I could barely read my messages because I was crying so hard. I looked down at my stomach and still could not believe it. Would it be a boy or girl? I could totally imagine me being so head over heels in love with my son….a boy. MY boy….and if it were a girl, oh geeez, it would be over for Maurice. Daddy’s princess and his Queen? I smiled slightly at the thought of being spoiled even more. I looked towards the heavens and asked for strength……I had to call Maurice and tell him. Whether I chose to believe it or not, I’m having a baby….wow.

 

Maurice……..I hope you’re ready. I damn sure need help getting there!

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~ by Monae on February 22, 2010.

2 Responses to “Monae~Never Say Never”

  1. chile, i’m just speechless…i hope he takes it well. i know you’re a ball of emotions right now.

  2. Pregnant is definitely a curse word! I hope Maurice accepts it and turns out to be a good daddy.

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