Monae~To Everything There Is A Season

Tears streamed heavily down my face in awe and wonder……I couldn’t believe I was the mother to such a beautiful angel. She was every spit of her father….a daddy’s girl in the making. The only thing it seems that she got from me were her chinky eyes. A mass of beautiful soft black curls sat atop her head and she cooed the sweetest sounds. I actually had a part in this miracle? I felt like I didn’t deserve it….like I was so unworthy of experiencing such an event. I’d never loved someone as much as I loved this child right now. I glanced at him while he cradled her in his arms. The look of adoration in his eyes spoke volumes to my heart and my spirit. All my life I’ve dreamed of this very moment and now that the time had come, I still felt the need to pinch myself. “She’s beautiful Mo. She’s so beautiful. We did good babe…” He couldn’t even complete his sentences due in part to him choking up and trying to still “be a man about it.”…..I loved them both. We were a family……finally. Everything was falling into place and I was at peace. I reached out my arms so that I could cuddle with this amazing little wonder. He didn’t seem to be paying me any attention. “Let me hold her. I want to hold her now.” He seemed to be zoned out in his own world. “Let me hold her…”

 

I felt someone reaching for my hands and calling my name but I didn’t register it clearly. I wanted my baby. Why is someone calling me? I immediately tried to speak out my request but my throat was dry and I started coughing. What the hell was going on here? I turned towards the window looking for my baby and her father but all I saw were him and Veronica.  I looked around and took in the surroundings…..wait, was I in the hospital? The confused look on my face must’ve scared the both of them. I wanted an explanation! 

“Mo….how do you feel? You scared the shit out of me girl! Don’t try and leave me earlier than intended. What would I do without you here talking shit in my ear?”

“Why am I in a hospital? What the hell happened?”

He and Veronica both looked at each other and then back at me. He stated he was leaving to go get the doctor since I’d woken up. My face still registered confusion.

“Ok V so since no one is talkin’, b*tch tell me what the hell is going on please??”

“Well I see nothing can hold down that mouth of yours! Damn! Hey Monae, I’m glad you’re awake. How are you?”

“Please don’t….why am I here????? Is something wrong with my baby? With me?”

“No, no you’re ok. I got a call saying that you had blacked out at work and they didn’t know why so I caught a flight out. You’ve been out for almost a damn day and…”

I followed her eyes which led straight to the doctor. His eyes were sad despite the phony little smile he had plastered on his face. My heartbeat sped up. “Can I go now? I mean I feel fine. I don’t remember blacking out. As long as I didn’t fall  on my stomach….dang why is everyone so serious??” I tried to laugh but when I looked at V she had tears in her eyes. “Why are you crying?!” “Dr…I’m fine right? My baby’s fine right? Just tell me please!”

The last thing I heard before I slipped myself into a drug induced stupor was that I’d miscarried….my baby….was no longer…..

It seems as though everything I’ve loved, I’ve lost. Sometimes I feel like there’s a cruel joke being played on me which insists that I not be happy. Although I had my doubts about this pregnancy, I’d come to terms with it and was looking forward to being a mother…..and to have that taken away from me in the worst way I could think of hurts me beyond compare. My angel…..daddy’s princess. I won’t question….maybe it was for the best. I just can’t imagine how losing a child could EVER be for the best of anything!

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal …
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance …
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.
ecclesiastes 3:1-8

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~ by Monae on April 14, 2010.

One Response to “Monae~To Everything There Is A Season”

  1. Sorry for your lost. I’m sure my words can’t ease the pain, but I’ll be praying for your strength and understanding.

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