Monae~Keepin’ Secrets

I tried to get back into the swing of my “normal” life. It had been two weeks since……since….well you get my drift. I didn’t like talking about it. I didn’t want anyone bringing it up to me. I felt as though there was no need to discuss it. I’ll deal with it in my own way. When I was released from the hospital, super “dad” Maurice had taken it upon himself to invade my crib, pack a bag for me and insisted that I come stay with him until I was feeling better. Even though I really felt like being by myself, it was a sweet gesture and I couldn’t say “No” to him. He’s the one I’ve woken up to every morning. He’s wiped my tears everyday that I’ve cried. He held me when I was unable to sleep. He was indeed a comfort….telling me to stop blaming myself.  He kept instilling in me that it wasn’t my fault. I believed I was being punished for not being honest with him….he still had NO idea! I didn’t have the heart to tell him either….what a damn disaster this turned out to be.

Maurice kept his place stocked with all kinds of alcohol. I was hittin’ the bottle and HARD! While he went to work, I knocked one or two back. I needed to forget all the lies that were told and move on from this tragedy. I was tired of hurting without any kind of relief. My prayers seemed to fall on deaf ears. Why ME??? I admit, I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. I’m human! Why’d my baby have to be taken away from me? I didn’t understand that part of the story! I cried until I thought no more tears would fall. My heart was so empty. I needed to get out of this house. Trying to pull myself from that bed was a mission in itself. My head was spinning crazy and I could barely get up without stumbling over my feet. Frustration took hold and I threw the empty wine glass against the wall. I had to get myself out of this depression. I couldn’t allow this to take over my life. When I was younger, anytime I had a rough day or was sad about something, my mom used to run me a bubble bath. I looked forward to those. The bathroom became so aromatic and calming.  She’d plug in a soft light, give me one of her bath pillows and leave me to relax. She went out of her way to make it just right so I would feel better.

After I cleaned up the mess I’d made, I tried to re-create that experience. I cleared my thoughts and allowed myself to relax. I would get over this storm and it too shall pass. I had a chance to start over with a clean slate. I must’ve done so well with the mind over matter because I ended up falling asleep without realizing it. I was jolted awake by someone bamming incessantly on the front door. WTF?! Maurice works all day so who the hell could that be? Maybe he was expecting a package. I got myself partly together so whoever it was could stop annoying me!

As I got closer,  I heard a female voice heatedly bickering over the phone.  Now I really got curious as to who it was. I opened the door and was staring into an unfamiliar face. “Yes?” I asked.  She looked all out of place wearing this hot ass coat. It was blazing outside. She ended her call and gave me a look like “Bxtch please.” I laughed inwardly and leaned against the door and asked again, “Can I help you?” She rolled her eyes and finally spoke…

“Monae…am I correct?”

Now this threw me off completely….how did she know who I was? First of all who the hell was she?! I wasn’t about to let this unsettle me in spite of the unnerving feeling that had planted itself in my stomach.

That’s me…who are you?”

“Oh that’s pretty cute….I see Maurice must’ve kept me hidden well.”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh please! No need for all of the damn pleasantries. Since he wouldn’t play along the way I wanted him too, I figured I’d take matters into my own hands.”

“And that means what? You’re saying all of this yet you still haven’t said a thing. I don’t know who you are and frankly, I don’t care…so again, excuse ME.” I turned to leave when..

Does Maurice know that your baby wasn’t his???”

I stopped dead in my tracks. No ONE and I mean NO ONE knew that but ME.

“What the fxck did you just say?”

“Ha…I knew yo’ ass would cooperate then. Long story short, I know you were pregnant and that it wasn’t his. I also know that you lost the bastard not too long ago…aww poor thing. Maybe you should keep your little blog a lot  more private. That’s neither here nor there though. You notice that this is the first time you’ve ever been to his damn house??? Our fxckin’ house?! He always came to you. You were NEVER invited here!”

My hands begin shaking…I felt the rage building up in my chest. My mind was in another place. I started to replay all of Maurice’s visits and I mean she was right but who the fxck keeps up with that? I couldn’t believe this shit! Then she untied the coat she was wearing and let it fall to her sides. That’s when I noticed a prominent bump…a baby bump.

“You see Monae, I was here first. This house is mine. All the shit inside is mine. This baby you see growing so healthy inside of me…also mine…as well as Maurice’s. It’s time to let go of your little fantasy world boo. You couldn’t keep that damn baby and I’m damn sure not about to let you try and keep HIM. I knew this shit wouldn’t last. Hoe ass fxcked around with a dude who didn’t even want shit to do with you, you get pregnant and you thought it would be all good?! You thought you’d found your ticket out?! You must really be pathetic!”

My thoughts…all of my private thoughts. She read all through it. How the hell did she single ME out is what I couldn’t get! What the fxck was she? Some type of private investigator? I was beyond speechless…for her to be fxckin’ PREGNANT?! With Maurice’s child?! No…I won’t believe that shit. I can’t. My first instinct was to push her ass backwards so she’d fall down the steps and maybe break her thick ass neck. That would have made my day but I was snapped back to the sound of tires screeching in front of the house. Oh it would be fitting for this sorry ass fool to pop up NOW!

Forgive me, for what I’m about to fxckin’ do…..

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~ by Monae on April 28, 2010.

One Response to “Monae~Keepin’ Secrets”

  1. This is something I DEFINITELY didn’t see coming! Wow!

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