Monae~Finding My Way Back

 I should’ve seen this coming. The minute that bitch showed up with her drama, my instincts were supposed to alert me to the trainwreck that was to follow. I guess you could say I was in denial about the truth somehow surfacing one day. I figured since I was no longer pregnant then there was no reason for me to tell him what I was hiding. I thought dead ass WRONG! A spiteful bitch will do everything in her power to fuck up a good thing….especially when the “good thing” is no longer being supplied to her. Maurice and I broke up…..or rather HE broke up with me. The link to the blog “mysteriously” showed up in his inbox on the night I left him at the house crying his eyes out. My first mind told me to make this shit private but at the same time I chose to put myself out there emotionally & publicly. I couldn’t take back anything that was written because I meant every last word. I knew what time it was when I got back to his house because all of my things were packed and by the door. He was sitting shirtless with his shoulders slumped holding his head in his hands.

I took one look at him and immediately wanted to get in that “one more for the road” type of sex but I knew he wasn’t having it. I didn’t bother trying to explain myself or even go as far as to ask him what was wrong. He looked so vulnerable, so hurt….and it was all my fault. I felt so bad then. My words got choked up in my throat as I tried to speak.

“Maurice….just let..”

“Monae….if the next thing  you have to say to me is “You’re sorry”…keep that shit! You straight up lied to me Mo…all this fuckin’ time you had me lookin’ like a sucker! All this time you had me thinkin’ shit was all good between us. I had my girl, we were starting a family. I’m here tryin’ to prepare a better life and shit for you, for me, the baby….and this whole time that baby wasn’t even mine?? The whole time you were fuckin’ another n*gga behind my back? So when the fuck did you plan on tellin’ me this shit? You were just gon’ let me raise another man’s baby?? You were content with us livin’ a damn lie right?”

“Babe…..wait….”

“Man don’t fuckin’ “babe” me! Babe that n*gga who you was so hard the fuck up on. Mo I thought you were through playin’ games. I thought we left that shit behind. You hid all this shit right under my damn nose…..how the fuck you think I feel right now man?! Who the fuck else reads ya’ lil diary online? The whole damn world?! You lie to me but the whole fuckin’ world knows but me! Man get out my face Mo!”

He got up to walk away and that’s when I felt my heart breaking and the room became blurry as the tears clouded up in my eyes then spilled down my face. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why things always took a turn for the worst when it came to matters of my heart. Yes I know I was wrong for leading Maurice on in the most absurd way. I was wrong for even allowing him to believe the baby was his. I didn’t want to come back to this point though. This area of despair, frustration and pain…yet once again, here I stand. I heard him making his way back towards the living room and I had a twinge of hope that maybe he’d try to let me explain myself…yet he did the last thing I expected him to do at a moment like this: He looked at me and laughed.

“Oh so who’s the fuckin’ crybaby now Mo? Write that shit down in ya’ li’l diary! Yo, you gotta leave my crib. I can’t be near you right now. I don’t even want to deal with you. A one way ticket is on top of the rest of ya’ shit by the door. Call a damn cab…you got a hour to be out. I don’t want you out here when I come back!”

He walked past me and out of the house. Damn….was he serious?? The screech of the tires leaving his driveway answered that question for me.

The ride to the airport seemed to be the longest of my life. I couldn’t control the tears. It felt as though I’d lost the first love of my life. The pain was so immense and the only cure was the one person who was done dealing. Good damn job Monae at screwing up on love AGAIN. Great damn work on making a mess on what could’ve been a complement to your life. This whole relationship was a lie….all because I couldn’t let go of a fool who wasn’t thinking twice about me. Once I told him that I’d lost the baby he gave me a half-hearted apology and got missing in action….quite typical of his ass but I already knew that.

As I touched down in Miami, I felt even emptier than I did when I left North Carolina. I was back where I started….lonely. How did I manage to end up with misery? I didn’t want her company. I just wanted to be back in Maurice’s arms. I wanted him to tell me that he forgives me and that we could work on “us” one more time. Babe, I know you’re probably reading…but even if you aren’t, I just want you to know that I apologize for everything. I’m hurting just as much as you are, if not worse! I never imagined the end would be this painful….I never imagined “us” having an end. I love you…..I hope you find it somewhere in your heart to forgive me.

Jaheim said it best, “I gotta find my way back…to you, to us, to love.”…..and that’s what I intend to do…or at least try.

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~ by Monae on May 14, 2010.

One Response to “Monae~Finding My Way Back”

  1. Wow this seems WAY tooo familiar *sigh*

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