Monae~Truth Is…

I’m living but sometimes I don’t believe that I am learning. By now you guys are probably thinking, “Monae…not again…suck this sh*t up! You’re always getting yourself caught up in some ratchet ass situation. Just let go.” Well guess what? I’m hardheaded! Sue me!  So on to the news you’ve been waiting for: Yes, Shaunie is pregnant. A big, fat, four months. I’m assuming Khoury is the father…..*while secretly praying that he’s not*….am I rude for saying something like that? Maybe. Do I care that I feel this way about it? No. Now you all may be thinking, “Well Monae, you really can’t be upset. You too were pregnant…but by someone else. You left Khoury hangin’ by the wayside and was ready to live it up with the next man.” To that I say, “Let the past be the past!” I want what I want WHEN I want it and right now I want this man. I’ve heard enough of the “Slow down. You’re moving too fast” talks to last me for the rest of my life. Until you’re in my shoes, you honestly can’t dictate the way I choose to run the affairs of my heart.

And right now my heart says, “Don’t give him up.” Despite the fact that his girlfriend….yes his GIRLFRIEND is pregnant. Unscrew your faces. The night he came over…..he didn’t leave. Before you jump to conclusions, NO we didn’t take it there. Although it was hard to not think about it……he spilled everything to me. I swear if we had the ability to actually hear a heart breaking…..mine definitely crumbled into pieces that night. They started dating right after I’d gotten so caught up with Maurice. She was familiar to him….they’d known each other and apparently had some “history”….whatever that means! You see I’m kind of in denial about how this whole “relationship” actually came about. The only thing that stands out in my mind about her is the attitude she had with me at the Christmas party. Now look how the chips have fallen….if only things had turned out differently….

Long story short; they made it “official” in the sense of only dating each other exclusively and sooner rather than later, she became pregnant. Sounds familiar? I swear the things I’ve done always come back to me in some form….karma’s that bitch. I won’t deny that. So while we’re laying cuddled up and in our feelings like it should’ve been between us, I’m asking him, “Why?” Why put me in the middle of your confusion? Why drag my heart out of my chest when you know what I’ve been through? I felt as though he was purposely slapping me in the face. He claims he was never really “there” with Shaunie…..in other words she was just a placeholder until I came back to him. I argued my disbelief with him in regards to that because he never knew that it wouldn’t work out with me and Maurice. He never knew that I’d be emotionally available to him one more time…..he says he prayed for me. He prayed about me. He prayed that someday things would become right….and here we are….once again.

So where do we go from here? What do I do? This man is…not married but involved. He isn’t bound by law to this girl but he now has a commitment to be in her life forever. If I want to be a part of his life, I have to accept THAT.

Truth is….I’m jealous. I wish it were me instead of her…..

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~ by Monae on June 29, 2010.

One Response to “Monae~Truth Is…”

  1. Damnnn I don’t even know what to say to that.
    Craziness.
    So wow chick is 4 months pregnant
    smh that’s deep.
    … so sad you can’t help how your heart feels.

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