You can’t miss what you’ve never had. I’ve repeated that mantra anytime thoughts of James find their way into my mind. It’s been weeks since that package arrived on my desk. At first glance I didn’t know whether to declare victory or claim foolery. That day is forever etched in my memory. I left the office in a haste…heart racing…face heated. I almost had a small breakdown in my car. My thoughts waged a war on my brain. “Well damn Monae! Isn’t this what you wanted?” He’s showing you how serious he is…don’t pass this chance up!”  This was far more serious than just a separation though…this was DIVORCE. Tears sprang from my eyes and all the emotions I had pent up overflowed. I was tired of holding it together. I was tired of acting as though all was right with the world. I drove myself straight home that day and disconnected from everything. Nothing about this situation felt right. It was almost as if I wanted him to go back to being married so that we could continue to tip toe around the fact that there was chemistry between us. It seemed so much easier knowing that I didn’t have to commit…but now…I no longer had that excuse. I’m terrified.

He didn’t make this easy for me. At first, things were quiet and I figured he just left well enough alone. I was wrong. Soon the flowers were coming to the job almost daily. The simple yet sweet notes were tugging at my heart but I couldn’t allow myself to fall. I wouldn’t. He couldn’t be ready to move on so soon. He was a newly divorced man. I’d be damned if I was the rebound chick. As my own way of acting as though I wasn’t phased by any of his efforts, I threw away every bouquet that came. I wanted to tear up the notes but I needed to read and re-read them to reassure myself that I wasn’t going completely crazy. I remember waking up to messages he’d sent me during the late night hours…like he had me on his mind all the time. I wanted to believe that this was real but I couldn’t help thinking that I’d heard it all before. Although I didn’t think of myself as a homewrecker…how would it really look right now? He was too well~known around here and I know the skanks who prayed for this day were plotting their take over strategies. I found it funny how word about this hadn’t been spread back to me until I clocked back in to reality.

How far gone was I?! The press was all over this and I couldn’t do anything but laugh bitterly. James…Mr. Big Time…was now a free man. That left no room for me. I swear an epiphany lit up my thoughts and I just accepted the hand I was dealt. Karma had finally caught up with my ass and was doing a number on me like no damn other. I’m waving my white flag. I surrender. There was a knock at my door. I had no intentions on answering but whoever it was knocked once more and I reluctantly headed to the front. It couldn’t be anyone I knew because I didn’t receive a gate call. I looked out the peep hole yet no one was there. I waited a couple of seconds and thought of going to get my Lucy…oh yes, I kept a piece in the house. It was still light out so I hesitantly cracked the door and saw a note taped to the front:

My eyes instantly teared up and I’m sure my face turned eight shades redder. His scent was still emanating from that piece of paper. My vision blurred as I allowed the tears to fall freely.

“So does that mean you still miss me too?”

I looked up and there he stood. Damn.


~ by Monae on October 13, 2010.

2 Responses to “Monae~Epiphany”

  1. I too wanna know if you still miss him…

  2. Why I got a feeling that “him” isn’t James?

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