Monae~Perfect Strangers

I’m smiling…but the smile still hasn’t found its way to my eyes. I think I’ve spewed more than enough perfect lies to try and create a wall around what’s really going on. My pride has expanded and gotten too big for even itself and I’m not sure I’m fighting hard enough to knock it back down on the humble shelf. I’m walking around like all is well when I’m really experiencing my own hell…God help me. This isn’t the way things are supposed to be. My conscience has been eating away at my thoughts. I know what I need to do…yet I haven’t had the guts to do what I ought. Looking at me you really can’t tell that I’m experiencing my own hell…wishing I could turn back the hands of time or put aside my ego and devil driven pride just so that I can make things right.

Writer’s block was the least of my worries. I was surrounded by strangers…perfect strangers. No one stuck around to make sure I was ok…no one kept in touch and offered their company or even a phone call to say, “Hello.” Anytime I was going through, I found myself alone. The same people who I thought were down for me could never be found during the critical times…and I was beyond hurt. I wanted to lash out at the world.  Maurice’s unexpected arrival re-opened a wound that hadn’t healed properly. I didn’t receive closure from that relationship and I admit I hadn’t gotten over him. He was my imperfect Mr. Perfect…until fighting a wayward battle with the past caused me to lose him. I’ve had more than I can bear in the area of relationships. Adding on to the stress was the news that my job had given me in regards to moving…the Miami office was closing and we were being transferred to who knows where…all expenses paid until we got on our feet of course, but still…uprooting right now…in the middle of a crisis…I wasn’t seeing the big picture. What good could possibly come out of this?

As if on cue, my iPod sprang to life. I laid across my bed…all cried out. Maybe I DID need to get out of Miami…living here had brought me nothing but heartache. The men I swore I knew the most were nothing but mere strangers. My ears were soon serenaded with the sounds of Diddy & Dirty Money “Loving  You No More”…and like clockwork the clouds opened up and rain covered the city. I hope that was a sign meant to wash away the residue from this whole year. I could really use a re-start button in my life right now…and some food in my system. I was too lazy to cook anything and I figured no one would be willing to drive through this downpour to deliver. I made my way downstairs hoping that some food would magically appear in my opened refrigerator when someone rang my doorbell.

Without a second thought I headed to the door thinking of the shoes I’d ordered earlier this week. I’d hate to be the UPS man right now but at least my spirits would be lifted by this new addition to the family. I removed the latch and opened the door only to be staring into Maurice’s face again. My breath caught in my throat and I immediately broke eye contact but my senses were brought to life by the smell of my favorite pizza. I looked up again and saw that he had a box and was soaking wet. It finally clicked in me that I should probably let him in. I moved over slightly and he walked passed me to the kitchen. I inhaled deeply and shut the door.

As if we hadn’t had the biggest blowout of all time only weeks ago, everything seemed eerily normal as we moved about with no words. He undressed down to his boxers and put his wet clothes in the washing machine. I went straight to that box of pizza and devoured two small slices without shame. I headed back towards the laundry room because he hadn’t returned and saw him leaning against the dryer. We both stared at each other awhile before he pulled me into his arms and just held me…

“How did you know…that I needed you?”

“I still love you Mo…I just had a feeling we needed each other.”

I’m smiling…and hopefully the smile will soon find its way to my eyes…

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~ by Monae on November 23, 2010.

2 Responses to “Monae~Perfect Strangers”

  1. Girl you have NO clue how close this hits to home for me…

  2. Hmmmmmm mmmmmmmm……

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