Emotional Faux Pas~Monae

We spend so much time loving the wrong person…that when the right one finally shows up, we’re all tapped out. Our emotional tanks are on ‘E’…but then…

The past year had been a whirlwind of disappointments, broken relationships and growth. I’ve never experienced so many failures in such a short time. My life, as I knew it, was no longer in my control. The reins I thought I had were snatched away and I was subjected to relinquishing. Can you understand how incredibly difficult that is for the planner in me? In the midst of it all I realized that I’d lost myself. I no longer knew the person who existed as Monae. This entity was spiteful and ruthless and full of deceit. She operated under the guise of the victim…allowing self pity parties and reckless situationships to manifest. The downward spiral was moving at a destructive speed…but then…

But love…but LOVE. Last year I was stuck in neutral…on Khoury. I’d created a non existent life for us in my head because of unresolved feelings a la Kenya Moore. I was destroying a marriage and a family because of my own selfish desires. I was strung the hell out on that drug…that I THOUGHT was love. After the wedding, I basically ditched James to faux boo up with someone who was only stringing me along because of what WAS and not because of what could possibly BE. The truth of the matter hit me hard like a debit card being declined on your worst day! He never explained his detour back to me. His presence in my life eventually faded and I had to just deal. 

And then…LOVE walked in…not that fake love that you plaster on so others will fawn for it. Not that phony love that only recognizes you at our best and departs at your lowest. No…this love, was one that I’d never expected…but what was totally needed.

Trust Issues~Milan

He’d flown me out to join him on his yacht in the middle of the alluring aquamarine waters of Bermuda. We sipped on Rum Swizzles in the evenings and woke up bathed in sunlight to dine on fresh fruit and warm, flaky croissants with bay grape jelly. Every morning, as I lay lazily on the beach sand working on my bronze, I watched him put his body through intense physical training even though this was his off season. He always kept himself in shape. I smiled to myself thinking of the workout he put my body through the night before. My thighs clenched and in an instant he was standing over me blocking my natural bronzer.

“Really Gray? You’re standing in the way of my greatness babe.”

He said nothing…instead lifting me up from my spot and hugging me close to him. He smelled of tropical sunscreen and his body dripped with sweat. I felt my pulse racing and fought to get out of his grasp. He only tightened his grip on me and seemingly my heart as well.

“Come. Run with me.

“Babe you know I’m in no kind of shape to be doing anyth..” He cut me off with that charming laughter.

“Your body was def in shape and up for that challenge at 3 a.m. though. Let’s go.”

He darted off and left me standing with my mouth wide ass open. He loved to play dirty.

Warren Gray…NFL football star. On again, off again romantic interest. He held the key to many things and was aiming for the one that led to my heart. I seriously considered the thought of handing over the combination to that lock. After receiving that anonymous card with evidence of my part played in the murder of K.B., I took some time to reevaluate my purpose. I even sought out a therapist but decided to not incriminate myself any further. All I wanted was to live a normal life…with a normal man and do normal shit. I didn’t want to have to keep taking a hiatus on life whenever I completed a “job” in fear of retaliation although my work was more than thorough.

As 2013 rolled in, I lay cuddled next to one of the men who wanted to give me the world and more. And who am I turn down amazing dick and yacht trips? But I also knew it was time for me to face my trust issues. I deserved so much more than I was allowing myself to receive.

Chasing Clouds~Monae

Great sex clouds your judgment and my head was clearly still among those clouds. I had to force my eyes not to gaze too long at his face in fear of acting on the emotions that had seemingly revived themselves overnight. Long stares seemed to become pretty prevalent over dinner. We held intense conversations using the windows of our souls. This shit was so wrong. I was trying to avoid the massive elephant in the room…but the moment…the NOW was feeding my fire. After he had closed the check, we strolled out the restaurant…him slipping his fingers through mine.

My heart beat a li’l faster but I was stopped in my tracks.

Khoury…when are we going to stop pretending?

There it was. The word vomit. He stopped to look at me…and there was an unfamiliar expression on his face.  Unshared emotions in his eyes. I loved the feeling of closeness between us though. I was being taken back to a time when it was strictly just about he and I. The time before the unexplained ending to our courtship…and then the wedding. The times when I’d fall asleep on our late night chats…which he HATED. The times we’d make silly wagers…I missed  US. I was chasing damn clouds right now and I couldn’t help feeling as though he was providing the smoke system.

It’s not as simple to explain Mo…but you KNOW I still love you tho…why are you doubtin’ my feelings for you?

My emotions were flushing…my face ran hot. I really don’t know what to believe right now. He stood behind me trying to trail kisses on my neck but I shrugged him off  with such an edge that he quickly backed away. I was way in over my head again and needed a reality check. My iPhone chimed a text alert and I snatched it up with so much intensity that I almost dropped that fat reality check…

Confusion was spread all over my face. Apparently I’d picked up the wrong iPhone…and Khoury had dug a deeper hole for himself.

New Beginnings

 

I put on my favorite Miguel mixtape as I packed my bag for work. It had been over a week since deciding to go back to graduate school. Next week I would have to begin enrollment and orientation. I was excited yet heartbroken. I got up enough nerve to pack Marques’s bags, and I had his assistant pick them up. Just when I thought I was beginning to love myself more, someone comes along and tries to tear me down.  I knew that I wanted more out of life and I had to get rid of whatever was holding me back.

Tonight would be my last night dancing at the club. I was worried moreso than excited. Worried that Marques would show up and embarrass me. I found out that he’d still been acting as my manager and negotiating deals without me. My plan was to start fresh come Monday. New look, new place, new energy.

 

Towards the end of my dance, I climbed to the top of the pole and flipped upside down. As I came to a screeching halt at the bottom, I heard yelling and tussling. My natural instinct was to run for cover in case things got worse, which they did. It was Marques arguing with the bouncer. I tried to hurry off stage but it was too late. Someone grabbed me from behind as shots rang out.  I was topless with one shoe on.  I suddenly realized I wasn’t in the arms of a security guard from the club. It was one of the thugs associated with Marques and his entertainment company. By that point I was fearful of my life. I kicked the guy in the balls with my spiked heel and he dropped me. I ended up running straight into Marques and his fist.

The club bouncer quickly engulfed Marques’s head into a chokehold as I threw the other shoe. Since I made direct contact with his fist, I ran outside while covering the bruised eye. Cops were already heading inside. One of them stopped and asked if I needed to go to the hospital. I said yes and he escorted me back to his truck. As we pulled off, he began asking questions about everything. When he asked if I had ever been hit by Marques before, I felt tears fall as I nodded my head in response. How had my life come to this?

 

 

Reminisce~Monae

I should feel bad right now…but I don’t. I should gather my clothing…what little of it I have, dress myself and leave…but I won’t. I should’ve put myself in her shoes…but I didn’t. I quickly found myself indulging in the company of an old friend. Innocent enough yes, but when that sense of familiarity tugs at your heart and the old feelings become too hard to ignore…you’re reminiscing on what was BEFORE. Empty glasses of wine form their own collection around you. Subtle touches begin to linger and laughter starts to fades out like handwritten messages in the sand and soon…it’s morning. You’re waking up, cuddled up, sheets tangled, hair wild, fingers intertwined, his breathing on your neck. Do I love him still??

I tried to disengage myself from his warmth. Any attempt to reposition was met with him holding me tighter…pulling me closer. Faint moans against my neck…when did I learn not to consider the consequences? When did I become so reckless…so full of myself? Khoury was just what the doctor ordered…even though I overdosed. The cure for my problems was wrongly prescribed…this high dosage was taken inadvertently and NOW I was making a weak ass attempt to come down from my high. The thoughts began to flood my brain…he’s married. He has children. They’re a family. Where do I fit into this equation? A small voice interrupted with, “But he’s here…with you. Not her.” Inside, I was bitter at the facts but the part of me that lacks common sense rejoiced merely at his presence.

Stirring in his sleep, his warm hand rubbing down my belly…he kisses my neck.

“I love you Mo…”

“Yeah. I know.”

I really should feel like shit right now…but I don’t.

Mistress For Hire-Milan

I sat at a corner table hidden among the crowd…slowly sipping my white wine as I waited for him. I was trying to remain as inconspicuous as possible. I was not there for the unnecessary drama his wife had caused the last time she caught us together. She had threatened me but I don’t take kindly to threats on my life. I was seconds away from disfiguring her oddly shaped ass for life until he whispered for me to let it go. It’s not her husband I’m after anyway…her place on their insurance policy is my ultimate goal.

I was pulled from my thoughts by the intoxicating scent of his cologne. I smiled at his arrival as he leaned forward and gently kissed me. I felt myself warming and I wished that I wasn’t so hard at heart. Todd was a great man…who made a fucked up decision when it came to matters of his heart. His wife had damn near forced him into a marriage when she turned up pregnant after having convinced him that she was unable to. I seriously doubt the child is his but hey, if living a lie is what tickles his fancy, who am I to judge?

We ate most of our dinner in silence. I wondered what was so heavily on his mind because he always had more than enough to say to me. He took my hand in his and looked at me with some sort of longing in his eyes. I became nervous.

“Milan…I’m leaving my wife.”

I dropped my fork and my throat became tight.

“But Todd…don’t you think…”

“I’ve done enough thinking. I’m tired of thinking. All I know is that you’re who I want. Please don’t deny me that.”

I looked at him hard. Was he serious right now? After two or so months of straight f–kin…this man REALLY wanted to leave his wife for me??

I rose slowly from my seat, holding his gaze with mine. Straddling his chair and not giving a good got damn who saw us then, I kissed him fiercely. I could not have been more happier.

“Todd…yes. I’d stop at nothing for you.”

Even if it means he had to disappear in order for me to get what I want. This shit was easier than I thought it would be…

I Just Want You Around – Veronica

“Miguel you know you shouldn’t be here. This is a horrible idea.”

“Veronica I’ve been calling you. I didn’t get an answer so I had no choice but to see you face to face.”

I stood there silently as a million thoughts raced through my head. I was afraid of RJ walking through the door, I was afraid that something would get physical between me and Miguel, I was afraid of being even more confused and hurt than I was that day. I was afraid of making the wrong decision.

“Let’s go to the rooftop and talk. I don’t wanna do it here.”

The two of us headed up the two flights of stairs, eventually joining hands. I didn’t fight it, I just allowed him to take the lead. We sat on the L-shaped sofa under the umbrella, staring out into the city. Only thing missing was a glass of wine because I had no idea where this conversation was going.

“Did something happen to you today or recently? ”

Blank stare. Is he psychic? “Huh?”

“Interesting how I run into you when you need a friend the most. I felt a tension in your body while we were at the Promenade. You know I’ve always felt a deep connection to you, deep enough for me to sense something being wrong.”

I wanted to be numb to what he was saying, that way I wouldn’t have to play off the reaction.

“Miguel, I don’t know where you’re coming from. What’s your point?”

“I’ve known you for a few years now, Veronica…….I’ve been fond of you since we met, and I’m being honest. I’ve made mistakes and said my apologies. I wanted to stay away but I can’t. If I have to just be your friend then that’s fine. I just want you around. What I will do is respect your wishes but what I won’t do is disregard how I feel. ”

I sat there stunned and motionless, trying to maintain my poker face. It was no use. He saw right through me.

“I’d like that a lot. I really missed that.”

Together we sat in silence, eventually drifting off to sleep until he asked for some water.

I went downstairs and unlocked the door. I felt something and it stopped me in my tracks. I looked around but didn’t notice anything unusual. While pouring the water, something told me to look up.

There was an empty glass on the counter…a glass that I hadn’t touched at all….and at the bottom was a ring. A wedding ring.

Wanting More – Yasmin

Another day, another dollar. After four years of stripping I was getting tired of late nights at the club with unattractive men drooling all over me. It was just getting boring, especially since I preferred to be with Marques. I was preparing for my last week of dancing because I just enrolled in graduate school! I wanted to become a physician’s assistant. The salary was better than both jobs combined, and at least I would be appreciated and respected at work.

I hadn’t told anyone except my father. Veronica still wouldn’t take my calls and my stripper friends couldn’t relate. They had bills, not dreams.

I planned an evening for Marques and myself to celebrate my achievement. He seemed excited when I said I had big news so I was certain I would finally have someone who would be proud of me.

After I left the office, I rushed home to change for the evening. Marques hadn’t called so I was sure he was stuck in traffic somewhere, with this being Friday. After getting dressed and primped, I called my driver to pick us up in 30 minutes. Marques wasn’t picking up but I figured his iPhone’s battery died.

I eventually had to tell the driver to come back in 15 minutes since Marques was nowhere to be found. After two hours of waiting by the phone I’d stripped naked and sat in front of the fireplace with two bottles of vodka. I was just upset that he never bothered to call. There was just no explanation for any of this. Had I done something to deserve this?

Marques rushed in while making demands on his cell, dropped his briefcase on the table and ran upstairs. Not realizing how drunk I was, I could barely utter his name. He came back down and stood over me.

“The hell are you doin? Go clean yourself up and get ready for work. I invited my new clients to see you tonight.”

I watched him pace around the room with his back towards me. He didn’t even notice me. He didn’t see my tears. I even gave him my best puppy dog pout…still no reaction.

“Marques you ruined everything. You ruined my night, you ruined my surprise. Like, I had everything planned perfectly so we could celebrate my last week at the club and me going back to school.”

There goes that glare again. “Going to school for what?!?!?”

“I wanna be a physician’s assistant. I finally know what I want to do with my life.”

Marques kept a firm stride as he walked over to the patio doors and replied, “you have a job so come upstairs and get dressed.”

At that point I didn’t know whether I should cry, do what he said, or tell him to leave. He had always looked out for me so why would today be any different? I trusted him enough to let him move in with me and become my manager. He said we were a team. I believed it, but I was afraid of what could happen if I didn’t believe it.

When the Stars Align…. -Veronica

I stared up at the heavens briefly, wondering how I’d gotten to this point in my life and my marriage….or back in Miguel’s arms at the very least. He really wasn’t the guy that I needed to be with, but I still needed him. He comforted me without even asking
what was wrong. Maybe it didn’t matter to him.

Miguel and I shared such a magnetic and genuine connection. We could enjoy each other’s silence or even read each other’s mind with a simple glance. We held hands, looked out into the water, and said everything we needed to say without saying a word. I cried tears of serenity and joy of being able to just enjoy this moment………without a care in the world. I wiped my face and stood up.
“Come on, let’s go somewhere. Some place I haven’t been in years.”

As always, he followed my lead as we walked arm-in-arm to the train station. We hopped on the A to transfer to the Coney Island station. I was yearning for a day of fun and fatty foods.

We hung out all afternoon like two teenagers. I can’t remember the last time I’d had so much fun. As the sky grew dark, I knew it was time to head back home. Miguel and I continued to hold hands on the train as we got off at High Street to go our separate ways.

We said goodbye without even discussing who would call who, or if we would ever see each other again. That was probably for the best, as we both returned to our lives. I hate goodbyes.

I walked into a dark and empty apartment. Perfect. I grabbed my phone and saw 20 messages from both Yasmin and Marques. I was not about to ruin my day by returning their calls.

I prepared to have a nice long bath with some 90s R&B. I had a bottle of Prosecco screaming to be popped. All was well in my world. No interruptions, no drama. Just me. And I liked it.

Whoever was calling must have really needed me but I wasn’t about to ruin my groove by some wack conversation. I stepped out of the tub, turned the music up louder and laid across the bed as I rubbed on my scented body oil. Eventually I zoned out until I heard someone banging on the door. I opened it without hesitation only to see Miguel standing there.

Damn, I didn’t think I’d see him again so soon….

Another Round~Monae

I decided to spend my last day in Miami soaking up some much needed sun. I was beginning to become spoiled by this tropical weather and did not need the temptation to lead me back to Florida. As I laid onto the sand, I let my mind wander back to the past couple of days. I couldn’t help but blush as I thought of James. He made it more than clear that he wanted me. Yet even throughout all his displays of affection, a part of me was still unnerved about him. My intuition rang alarm bells loud and clear in regards to that woman I spotted him heatedly conversing with at the wedding. I didn’t feel it was my place to bring that up though since he and I were just…us.

The beach chairs I’d been eyeing had remained empty for the past ten minutes. I gathered my small amount of belongings and made a beeline. I was going to miss this carefree feeling. The waves tickled the heels of my foot and relaxed me into a light nap. I remember dreaming of smiling curly haired chocolate babies. Their laughter was such a beautiful melody to my ears. As I held a little boy in my arms, he turned to face me, grabbed my hand and spoke my name clear as day.

“Mo?”

I was slightly jolted awake once I realized someone actually had my hand in theirs. Once my eyes focused, my heart rate doubled.

“Khoury?!”

He pulled me from the beach chair into his arms, tightly hugging me like he…

“I missed you Mo. So much.”

But…Khoury’s married.

In the end, they always seem to want another round. Here we go again…